Tag: Teens

Talking to Parents about Talking to Kids about Drugs

The Acorn published an article about the Or Ami Center for Jewish Parenting’s lecture series on Talking to Parents about Talking to Kids about Drugs. The complete original article, written by congregant Julie Buckley, appears below:

Talking to Parents about Talking to Kids about Drugs
By Agoura Hills Resident Julie Buckley

Congregation Or Ami’s Center for Jewish Parenting knows that children do not come with an instruction manual. That is why we offer a series of lectures that cover a wide range of parenting issues, from raising grateful children in an indulgent society, parenting our parents, to creating ethical wills.

This month Or Ami brought in representatives from Beit T’shuvah and Malibu’s Visions Treatment Facility to help parents understand some of the reasons kids turn to drugs, and to explore ways to prevent or help our children if they do. The program, called “Partners in Prevention,” brought in former addicts who spoke about how they ended up becoming addicted to drugs. Over 180 adults from all over the Conejo and San Fernando Valleys attended the three sessions.

Recovering addicts spoke about the many challenges that kids face today. There are demands to perform academically, athletically, creatively, in the community– all while navigating what might be awkward adolescent years, wanting very much to be liked and to fit in. The adults in attendance, by a show of hands, had themselves experienced feeling different and feeling they were alone in that experience. Our youth is susceptible to experimentation, whether at parochial or secular, private or public school. The drugs available are not only chemically stronger than in years past, the range of what is available has expanded. Prescription drugs are being sold on campuses, sometimes referred to as study aids. The combination of pressure and awkwardness at a time when kids may not have strategies for coping with the feelings which may arise makes them vulnerable to curiosity about drugs. In the absence of alternative methods for managing these age-appropriate stresses, children are at risk of substance abuse.

Providing parents with insights into young people’s social needs and pressures, as well as identifying specifically what drugs are available in our schools is critical to being able to see the signs of trouble. “Partners in Prevention” organizes youth peer groups as well as parent support and education.

Or Ami President Susan Gould, thought she knew why kids turn to drugs: peer pressure, loneliness, curiosity. She was surprised to learn that many kids use drugs to escape the pressure to succeed. “We all want the reassurance that we can keep our kids “too busy” to experiment with drugs. The reality is that no matter how filled their days are, they will have numerous opportunities to experiment.”

Keeping lines of communication open could not be overstated by either treatment group. Rabbi Paul Kipnes, trained in addiction counseling and spiritual care from HazeldenTreatment Center, reiterated that knowing your children’s friends is essential. Monitoring internet, text, and call activity may be warranted. Being certain that there is adult supervision at parties and gatherings is crucial. Noticing changes in kids’ behavior, whether it is grades, new friends, or energy levels is another possible barometer. More information about talking to kids about drugs can be found on the rabbi’s blog: http://rabbipaul.blogspot.com. Ultimately, recognizing that as parents, we can not know all, seek help from experts if there is any doubt that your child is in trouble.

Talking to Your Kids about Teen Dating Violence

A year or two ago, Or Ami’s Temple Teen Night held a program, sponsored by the Family Violence Project of Jewish Family Service, which dealt with teen dating. It profoundly affected our teens, as they had a place to talk about their responsibility to themselves and their peers in terms of appropriate and inappropriate dating.

The Sunday Magazine of the New York Times now published a blog article in Motherlode about

Today is “It’s Time to Talk Day,” supported, as it has been for the past five years, by Liz Claiborne, Inc. …. , and the Burkes [a couple whose child was murdered by the man she was dating] will be spending the day talking. They are both high-school teachers in Rhode Island (Ann teaches health, Chris teaches culinary arts), and they believe the warning signs of abuse in dating should be taught to teens the same way they are taught about sex and drugs. If she had learned that abusers “tell you that your family doesn’t really love you and your friends don’t really like you,” then Lindsay might have been less willing to allow her boyfriend to shut her family and friends out, Ann says. If she had known “that she needed a safety plan when she left him, because when a victim leaves the relationship is when they are at the greatest risk of being harmed,” then Ann believes Lindsay might still be alive today.

The article offers some important links:

The Burke’s goal is to have it taught in every middle and high school in the country, and this morning they teamed with Claiborne to launch a group called MADE, Moms and Dads for Education to Stop Teen Dating Abuse. Teens are reluctant to talk to their parents about this subject, the logic goes, and they turn to their peers instead. So what parents can do to help is make sure those peers are educated and informed, and the goal of MADE is to expand the availability of information to high school students by requiring the subject be a required part of the curriculum in every state. You can learn more about MADE, here. You can visit the Love Is Not Abuse Web site, here. You can contribute to the Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial Fund, here. And teens who can’t talk to their parents can visit loveisrespect.org or call the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline (1-866-331-9474, or TTY 1-866-331-8453.) Because it’s time to talk.

Enough said?

Dancing to Jack with the Kids

We brought our older to kids to see Jack Johnson in concert at UCLA. The first concert for both.

We all love Johnson’s music. We listen to him at home, in the car, everywhere. But as wonderful as it was to hear him play live, the best part – hands down – was being with our two children, dancing with them (we set the “no embarrassing dancing” rule ahead of time: no dancing unless you are at least 40 years old).

Surprisingly, many many kids – teens, younger and college – were there with their parents. Kind of cool.

We were also impressed with his commitment to Tikun Olam, fixing the world. At the center of the field was a tent city of volunteer organizations. Each was explaining their mission, signing up new members, inviting volunteers. If you filled out a passport, having visited 3 booths, you were entered into a drawing for front row seats. Music, family and Social justice! A great evening

Or Ami Delegation Energizes Camp Newman

One Shabbat each session, Michelle and I invite all of our Or Ami campers and staff to a “study session” (a.k.a. junk food party). It is one of our highlights of the summer to hear the campers kvell about their camp experience.


They eat some junk food. They talk loudly. They eat more junk food. They talk more loudly. They each participant shares their most exciting moments at camp. They eat even more junk food.

It is amazing to watch these campers, some nervous on the first days, warm up to camp. They love it.

It is also incredible to notice how many Or Ami faculty and intern alumni are now part of the Camp’s senior staff. Rabbinic Intern Sara Mason Barkin (former Mishpacha Coordinator) and Rabbinic Intern Jordana Chernow-Reader (former Mishpacha Faculty member) are co-Directors of Education. Their husbands also work at camp: Josh Barkin, former Education Intern, is on faculty while Luke Reader, Mishpacha faculty member, is a Rosh (unit head). Jake Singer-Belin, former Mishpacha faculty member, is Rosh Tefillah (in charge of ritual life at camp). Fisch (Jonathan Rothstein-Fisch) is CIT Director. A week before we arrived, Rachel (Isaacson) Margolis, former Mishpacha Coordinator, served on faculty.

Camp Newman is one of the most creative Jewish learning and living places in America today. As so many Or Ami interns and faculty come from Camp Newman, that bodes very well for the continued creative life of our Congregation Or Ami community.

There’s an Elephant in the Room; He’s Smoking Dope

We, Jews and Jewish families, living relatively comfortable lives, find ourselves increasingly facing uncomfortable truths: that abuse of drugs and alcohol runs rampant through our community. Jews are not immune from the battle with the bottle or the pull of the pills. Though we talk about it less than some communities, alcohol and drug abuse – especially among teens and young adults – continues to ruin lives.

It is time to face facts: too many of our kids have access too much money, easy transportation and freedom from parental oversight that allows them to explore and get hooked on drugs and booze well before we adults even have a clue. For those who are searching for something, our high schools – secular and Jewish alike – provide ample opportunity to experiment and get hooked. It is happening too often with our “nice Jewish boys and girls.”

At Or Ami we talk about the difficult issues: sex, drugs, disease, death. Our Or Ami Center for Jewish Parenting strives to help our community face the future by talking about those subjects that often make us uncomfortable, and by bringing our Jewish values and healing tradition to the conversation. Sometimes we pass on valuable insights through eNewsletters; sometimes we gather parents for open discussions about the challenges we face parenting.

Recently, our Rabbinic/Education Intern Lydia Bloom Medwin gathered together our Temple Teen Night participants for a discussion on the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse. I watched in amazement as our students listened attentively, and responded inquisitively, to the experience of one Jewish mother whose “nice Jewish boy” overdosed on drugs. Read on…

Rabbinic/Education Intern Lydia Bloom Medwin writes:

“You Can’t Compete with Heroin, Mom.”
These words helped speaker and author Rita Lowenthal comprehend just how deeply her son had descended into addiction. Rita’s son Josh began experimenting with drugs at age 13. By age 38, he had died of an overdose. This made Rita a particularly poignant speaker at our Temple Teen Night session focusing on the issue of drugs and alcohol one Wednesday. Rita’s reflections helped us to begin to understand the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse, as well as the nature of addiction, as it functions in our own Jewish community.

Talking to kids about the dangers of alcohol and drugs requires honesty. So we began by admitting that Judaism is not a religion that forbids the pleasures of alcohol. On the contrary, we customarily use wine in our holiday and life cycle celebrations. We drink wine to make these moments special and to increase the joy. However, Judaism also understands that moderation and responsibility are the keys to drinking at Jewish celebrations. Clearly, our tradition understands that there is a difference between alcohol use and alcohol abuse.

Alcohol and drug abuse can be dangerous and is certainly illegal for our youth. Rita explained to a fully engaged group of seventh through eleventh grade students about the risks of even experimenting with these substances, especially for the type of people who are naturally adventurous. We learned that while some people might be able to try a drug and then never touch it again, so many others try it once and cannot stop abusing drugs until the day the substance kills them. As such, just trying drugs could mean a life sentence. That is what happened to Josh Lowenthal when, at age 13, his mother found that it was already too late. In and out of rehab and jail for twenty-five years, Josh went from devastation to healing to hope and back again in a vicious cycle. Josh, a bright and outgoing Jewish kid, was musically talented who was inclined to write poetry and listen to NPR. Still, as Rita so eloquently in her book, “One Way Ticket,” even her “nice Jewish boy” wasn’t immune to the realities of addiction.

Congregation Or Ami is a community where we talk openly about drug and alcohol use. At Or Ami, students can ask the difficult questions and receive honest answers and thoughtful advice. If one of our students or our families is in trouble with drugs or alcohol, they can turn to Rabbi Paul Kipnes (who has been trained in Alcohol and Drug Counseling and Spiritual Care), our Rabbinic and Education Interns and our temple family for help. Or Ami will always respond with an open mind and open arms. For many, Or Ami has already been the first stop on the road to recovery.

Drug and alcohol addiction is nothing new; its roots stretch back to Biblical times. Addiction is a disease that affects a great deal of people, and the Jewish community is not immune to its ravages. At Congregation Or Ami, we are working to understand (and teach) more about the nature of this disease. Simultaneously we support our families who are currently struggling with addiction and we celebrate with those who have found recovery through the Twelve Step Program.

We welcome all those struggling with these issues to contact Rabbi Paul Kipnes or Rabbinic/Education Intern Lydia Bloom Medwin for support or Jewish resources regarding addiction and recovery.

Talking about that Dope-Smoking Elephant
Or Ami is committed to shining a light on this age-old problem. We have learned that when parents talk openly and calmly, kids hear what they have to say. With the support of Bruce and Wendy Friedman, and the Wolfson Family Foundation, Or Ami has been holding conversations – public and private – about the challenges of alcoholism and addiction. Each year Or Ami introduces another rabbinic student to the realities of addiction in the Jewish community and we provide him/her with opportunities to develop pastoral skills to address these challenges. As Lydia Bloom Medwin moves onto her new internship at UCLA Hillel, Rabbinic Intern Sara Mason will learn and teach about the dangers of addiction.

After the High Holy Days, our community will gather again under the auspices of our Or Ami Center for Jewish Parenting to learn from Beit T’shuvah, a Jewish halfway house in Los Angeles, about what we parents can do do help our kids combat the pull of the pills.

Until then, explore my blog article on Talking to Your Kids about Drugs and Alcohol, Part I. We parent more effectively when our eyes are open wide.

As always, I am here to listen, to strategize and to help, as we all walk the tightrope between parenting too much and parenting too little. I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Email Rabbi Paul Kipnes here.

Prom Prep 101: Foster Girls Prepare for Prom

Hedi Gross and Rabbi Kipnes write:

Congregation Or Ami teamed up with other synagogues and churches to again run Prom Prep 101. The Calabasas synagogue, as part of its ongoing commitment to help children in the foster care system, has latched onto the Prom Prep 101 as an opportunity to give back. Young foster girls ages 15-18 came from the Department of Children and Family Services to take part in making their upcoming Prom a beautiful memory. Most of these girls were able to go to their proms because of Prom Prep.

Event chair Debbie Echt-Moxness reflected back on her heartfelt call for volunteers and dress donations. In response to Debbie’s congregation-wide mailing, Congregation Or Ami’s Mureau Road synagogue was overwhelmed with prom dresses – new and slightly used, jewelry, make up and endless offers to volunteer the day of the event. Debbie recalled that “We told people that Prom Prep 101 was a wonderful opportunity to get involved and make a difference in the lives of foster care kids. Our ‘goal’ was to help make 50 under-privileged girls feel beautiful and special, inside and out. I truly believe that we all come away from this experience feeling blessed and holy, for having made someone else feel more whole.”

At Prom Prep 101, volunteers signed in, put on name tags, and were given a tour through separate rooms of shoes, accessories, and professional make-up artists and hair stylists who volunteered their time and day off to help out. Calabasas Oaks resident Hedi Gross, who brought her daughter Molly, captured the overwhelming feeling of goodness: “Nothing prepared us for the emotion we felt when we walked into a room FILLED with beautiful gowns, broken down by size and color (most with tags still on them). It was AWESOME! To realize that each girl would feel like Cinderella for the day was simply beautiful…breath-taking. I looked around to see if I was the only one crying, but all the other mothers were wiping away tears at this awesome sight!”

Once the teenage girls began to arrive, Prom Prep 101 quickly went into motion. In the main sanctuary, the girls received beauty tips on what to wear, what not to wear and “the message that our clothing puts out into the world.” Escorts were assigned to their girls, blow dryers turned on, and make-up as applied. Calabasas cousins Molly Gross and Carly Feinstein popped into a “dress room” to help a girl named Melissa (not her real name). Although Melissa was already being ushered/hosted by a mother-daughter team, Melissa quickly took to my Molly and Carly. Before you knew it, Melissa had her own large team, primping and supporting her as she moved from beauty station to station. Melissa chose a gorgeous dress, picked out accessories, sat with the hair stylist and the make up artist. She looked divine. Walking down the aisle for the fashion show, Melissa appeared to walk on air.

Prom Prep 101 reminded participants, the foster girls and volunteers alike, about the power of kindness and compassion to transform lives. Hedi recalls that “It was quite obvious that Melissa was a girl with a light within. Eighteen years old girl, attending college next year, she adores track and field. Melissa is bright, happy, confident, and on a mission to help the world. I found it so moving that she was offering to my girls words of encouragement! She told them to “believe in yourself” and “you can do anything in this lifetime. Originally, I thought we would need to be offering words of encouragement to her. We went there believing we could help someone feel better about themselves (even for just one day) but in reality we left feeling like the lucky ones, simply for having met these girls.”

Professional photographer Jaime Rothstein volunteered to photograph Prom Prep 101. The Calabasas resident talked about the delightful experience photographing the teens. “It truly was an honor to be part of such a day that puts so many smiles on so many young girls’ faces. I am so proud and in awe of all who organized this day for being angels and giving so many girls their wings to fly and feel beautiful and confident and hopeful and loved. I know there is a God because of what I experienced today.”

Judaism teaches that mitzvah (commandment or ethical action) is found in the giving, but the true gift is in the warmth one feels long after the event is over. For more information about Prom Prep 101 or to volunteer for next year’s event, contact Or Ami president Susan Gould at (818) 880-4880 or the4goulds@roadrunner.com.

Talking to Kids about… Governor Spitzer’s Actions

This week, many parents will be asked by their children about the actions of Governor Eliot Spitzer. My colleague, Rabbi Elyse Frishman of Barnert Temple, in Franklin Lakes, NJ, sent this message to her congregants to help them with this complicated issue. Dear Friends, The news surrounding Governor Spitzer has been dismaying: the initial revelation, the details of his behavior, the phone transcripts and financial transfers, the speculation about his wife and daughters. Then we heard startling statistics about the rise of STD in our teens, while on talk shows, high-priced prostitutes justified and even glorified their work. “I used to be a social worker, but I just didn’t earn enough money. Now I can earn $10,000 in one night; I’ll be able to retire by the time I am thirty!” – the American dream? And another: after declaring that the Governor should have recognized his responsibility to his family, she was asked how she felt about the men she slept with; she said, “I make my choices, and they make theirs. It’s not my business.” I offer you two perspectives: a Jewish response, including five talking points to guide conversations with your children, who are deeply aware of what is going on and talking about it in school; and a concern for some of our families who have wrestled with infidelity. God teaches, “You shall be holy for I, God, am holy.” Holy behavior derives from how we treat one another: in marriage, in parenting, in regard to our parents; in business, in the workplace, in the market; towards the disadvantaged and the stranger. Our tradition doesn’t preach; it teaches how to live. Exodus and Deuteronomy detail legislation that is moral and ethical, and builds a just society. Several chapters in Leviticus condemn perverse sexual behavior, which is behavior that hurts or abuses another including persons once or twice removed from the act. Adultery is at the top of the list because it can destroy the family.Read on…

Talking to Kids about Drugs & Alcohol, Part I

From the Or Ami Center for Jewish Parenting
The First in a Series
Adapted in part from Talking to Kids website

Talk with your kids (and grandkids) about drugs and alcohol. It is not easy. It is often uncomfortable. And one conversation is not enough. But our drug treatment centers are littered with lives ruined because parents did not talk enough about the dangers, or talked too much but did not listen enough, or were ignorant to the real dangers of drinking and using (“Hey, I smoked pot and I survived!” ) or made excuses for behaviors that turned out to be early drug use.

I know this firsthand because I saw it firsthand when I spent a week at the Hazelden Drug Treatment Center in Minnesota last winter for training in their addiction counseling and spiritual care program.

At Hazelden, I met nice people – nice Jewish kids too – who lost themselves amongst the heavy onslaught of mixed messages and parental leniency regarding drinking and drug use. Now they are trying (some for the second and third time) to kick their habit. I came away with a clear sense that we adults – parents, grandparents, siblings and friends – have an important responsibility to educate ourselves about the realities of drugs and alcohol use and abuse. We then need to talk with (not “at”) our young people, listen openly, and help them create strategies to deal with the pressures and enticements of alcohol and drugs.

Alcoholism and drug use is as old as the Bible, when the High Priest Aaron lost two sons to alcohol and when even Noah came off the ark, got drunk and cursed his sons (Gen. 9:20). There are no guarantees that our conversations will protect our kids. But there is plenty of evidence that, absent ongoing, serious conversations, our children are vulnerable to the neverending pull of the pot and pills.

Booze and Barbituates: Distinguishing Between Fact and Fiction

The issue of drugs can be very confusing to young children (and older ones too). If drugs are so dangerous, then why is the family medicine cabinet full of them? And why do TV, movies, music and advertising often make drug and alcohol use look so cool?

We need to help our kids to distinguish fact from fiction. And it’s not too soon to begin. National studies show that the average age when a child first tries alcohol is 11; for marijuana, it’s 12. (Jewish studies show that most Jewish kids first try alcohol at Bar/Bat Mitzvah parties or at Passover.) Older kids raid their parents’ medicine cabinets for pills that will give them a high. (Click here to learn about these “Pharming Parties.”) And many kids start becoming curious about these substances even sooner. So let’s get started!

[Click here for real information about how drugs affect us]

Talk with Your Kids


Listen Carefully
Student surveys reveal that when parents listen to their children’s feelings and concerns, their kids feel comfortable talking with them and are more likely to stay drug-free.

Role Play How to Say “No”
Role play ways in which your child can refuse to go along with his friends without becoming a social outcast. Try something like this, “Let’s play a game. Suppose you and your friends are at Andy’s house after school and they find some beer in the refrigerator and ask you to join them in drinking it. The rule in our family is that children are not allowed to drink alcohol. So what could you say?” If your child comes up with a good response, praise him. If he doesn’t, offer a few suggestions like, “No, thanks. Let’s play with Sony PlayStation instead” or “No thanks. I don’t drink beer. I need to keep in shape for basketball.”

Code for Pick Up
Work out a code with your middle and high school student. Tell him that if he/she is in an uncomfortable situation at a party or friend’s house, he can text you an agreed upon message. When you receive it, you can call her immediately to play the “overbearing parent” who is coming NOW to pick her up. This little game ensures that he has an easy way out of difficult peer pressure. It allows her to save face even as she removes herself from the dangerous situation.

Encourage Choice
Allow your child plenty of opportunity to become a confident decision-maker. An 8-year-old is capable of deciding if she wants to invite lots of friends to her birthday party or just a close pal or two. A 12-year-old can choose whether she wants to go out for chorus or join the school band. As your child becomes more skilled at making all kinds of good choices, both you and she will feel more secure in her ability to make the right decision concerning alcohol and drugs if and when the time arrives.
Establish a Clear Family Position on Drugs and Alcohol

It’s okay to say, “We don’t allow any drug use and children in this family are not allowed to drink alcohol. The only time that you can take any drugs is when the doctor or Mom or Dad gives you medicine when you’re sick. We made this rule because we love you very much and we know that drugs can hurt your body and make you very sick; some may even kill you. Do you have any questions?”

Provide Age-Appropriate Information
Make sure the information that you offer fits the child’s age and stage. When your 6 or 7-year-old is brushing his teeth, you can say, “There are lots of things we do to keep our bodies healthy, like brushing our teeth. But there are also things we shouldn’t do because they hurt our bodies, like smoking or taking medicines when we are not sick.”

If you are watching TV with your 8 year-old and marijuana is mentioned on a program, you can say, “Do you know what marijuana is? It’s a bad drug that can hurt your body.” If your child has more questions, answer them. If not, let it go. Short, simple comments said and repeated often enough will get the message across.

You can offer your teen the same message, but add more ten what marijuana and crack look like, their street names and how they can affect his body. Or together read the youth-run drug facts website freevibe.com. The teen brain is a work in progress. Click here for more on how marijuana use affects the teen brain.

Be a Good Example
Children will do what you do much more readily than what you say. So try not to reach for a drink the minute you come home after a tough day; it sends the message that drinking is the best way to unwind. Offer dinner guests non-alcoholic drinks in addition to wine and spirits. And take care not to pop pills, even over-the-counter remedies, indiscriminately. Your behavior needs to reflect your beliefs.

[How Marijuana Use Affects the Teen Brain]

If You Suspect Your Kid is Using …

Even kids under age 12 can develop a substance problem. If your child becomes withdrawn, loses weight, starts doing poorly in school, turns extremely moody, has glassy eyes — or if the drugs in your medicine cabinet seem to be disappearing too quickly — talk with your child and reach out. If your teen is involved with alcohol or drugs, move ahead thoughtfully.

Begin by downloading this brochure: Suspect Your Teen is Using Drugs or Drinking.

Next, break the silence. Seek out help. Contact your rabbi who has experience with drug counseling. Contact Los Angeles’ Alcohol Drug Action Program of Jewish Family Service. Contact Beit Teshuva, a Los Angeles based recovery house. Get help to guide you through the darkness.

[If You Suspect Your Kid is Using]

Questions and Answers for your Kids

Why do People Take Bad or Illegal Drugs?
There are lots of reasons. Maybe they do not know how dangerous they are. Or maybe they feel bad about themselves or don’t know how to handle their problems. Or maybe they do not have parents they can talk to. Maybe they think it is cool. Why do you think they do it?

Why are Some Drugs Good and Some Drugs Bad for You?
When you get sick, the drugs the doctor gives you will help you get better. But if you take these drugs when you’re healthy, they can make you sick. Also, there are some drugs, like marijuana or crack, that are never good for you. To be safe, never ever take any drugs unless Mom, Dad or the doctor says it is okay.

[Some More Answers for Your Questions]

Talkback

Through Or Ami’s Center for Jewish Parenting, we are committed to providing parents (grandparents and all adults) with information, ideas and strategies for raising healthy children with good Jewish values. Why? Shmirat haGuf, taking good care of our bodies, and acknowledging their sacredness, is inherently a Jewish value.

Our Center for Jewish Parenting now asks for your help. Help us help you (and others):

* What are your concerns about talking to kids about drugs and alcohol?
* What strategies have you found successful in helping young people face these temptations?
* What information would be helpful to you as you try to guide your children?

We are all in this together, striving to raise healthy kids with good Jewish values. So share your answers. Help Or Ami illumine the path ahead for all of us.

[Need a confidential conversation with Rabbi Kipnes? Click here to email me!]

Parents and Children: A Biblical Legacy of Dysfunction

Parents and Children: A Biblical Legacy of Dysfunction

Parents and children. Heartwarming. Challenging. Loving. Frustrating. Relationships fraught with misunderstanding. This jumble of emotions finds roots in our Biblical past. Even this week’s Torah portion recounts the challenging encounters between Abraham, Isaac and Sarah in the (Almost) Sacrifice of Isaac, the Akeda (Genesis 22).
[Read the Torah Story (Genesis 22:1-19)]
Sarah’s Story: A Mother’s Perspective

We were lying in our tent, enjoying a moment of quiet amidst the frenetic activity of desert life. And then Abraham began stirring, and with a sudden jerk, he sat up and called out, “Hineni, Here I am.” He was talking to God. At first what I heard made little sense. Though I could only hear Abraham’s responses, I understood that God requested something involving our son Isaac. Abraham’s usually strong, even voice was filled with shock, then anger, and finally acceptance. I was intrigued, and sat silently to hear more.

I started listening more intently. For a moment I thought I heard the word “sacrifice,” but I had to be mistaken. Then again, it sounded like “spiritual journey.” As Abraham spoke again, his words came as a choking sob from deep within his throat. My body started to shake with horror. This was a nightmare! Abraham thought that the Eternal One had requested that he sacrifice our only son Isaac. I wanted to hold Abraham in my arms, to cry with him, to help him rethink what God had said, to convince him to speak to God, but his eyes were distant and I was scared.

Isaac’s Story: A Son Reflects

How can I explain to you what really happened that day on the mountain? We hiked to the peak. Dad built an altar there; as usual he would not let me help. He laid out the wood. I was exhausted from the hike up. He wrapped me up in the blanket, laid me down. I could sense that he was going through with some sacrifice but I was too tired to think. I dozed fitfully.

Once again, nothing between my Dad Abraham and me was turning out as I had hoped. I felt straitjacketed, like Dad’s inability to reach out to me was tying me up, holding me down. His silence, that interminable silence, could have sliced through my heart like a knife. I vaguely recall Dad mumbling something, “Henini – here I am” (Genesis 22:11). Maybe he was trying to reach out to me. But it was just too late. I had hoped that this trip would change things. But it was just more of the same. Dad was supposed to bring me up to introduce me to God. We were going to sacrifice a lamb together. Instead, Abraham did it alone. Instead, again my dad sacrificed me.

Maybe, my wife Rebecca later wondered, Abraham really didn’t mean to hurt me. Maybe he was just trying to do what he thought dads were supposed to do – being strong. All I remember is that it hurt so much, that I had to break it off. After that trip, Dad was lauded world-wide for his unswerving faith in God and for ending the practice of child sacrifice. Thanks to the abundant fertility of my son Jacob – his grandson – Abraham’s descendents were as numerous as the stars in the heavens and the sands on shores of the sea (Gen. 15:18). But on that day, everything changed. Abraham returned to his servants, and they departed together for Beer-sheva. I left separately. I never talked to Dad after that. I was not with him again until my half-brother Ishmael and I laid his bones to rest at his funeral.

Abraham’s Story: A Father’s Regret

I know I was wrong. I hurt him so much. I tried to explain to him that I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt him. I should have stopped to think. I should have discussed it with Sarah. But I didn’t because I was so intoxicated with doing what I thought was right.

I swear I never touched him. What was I thinking? I was so impassioned with my own self-righteousness. I really might have killed my kid I hadn’t been stopped. Still, I never touched him. Without physical harm, you would think that the emotional scars would have healed by now. But now Isaac, my son, the one I love so, my Isaac won’t talk to me. He doesn’t read my letters or answer my calls…
Misunderstandings Abound: Relationships Destroyed

Relationships between parents and children are volatile and challenging. We think we are saying or doing the right thing but often, without thinking it through ahead of time, we often make things worse.

Did God really command Abraham to sacrifice his son as a burnt offering? Read the story closely. According to an 8th century commentary on Torah, Midrash Tanhuma, it all hinges on one word – olah. In the Torah, God said to Abraham v’haaleihu sham l’olah, bring up Isaac as an olah. The Hebrew word olah, comes from the root Ayin-Lamed-Hey, meaning, “to rise up.” Must olah here mean, “sacrifice,” as in the smoke of the sacrifice rises up? Or might it be connected rather to a more familiar word aliyah, also from the Hebrew root Ayin-Lamed-Hey, meaning “spiritual uplift?” In this reading, God only said, “raise up your son with an appreciation of your devotion to Me.” Perhaps Abraham was so dazzled to be speaking to God that he became confused. What if he misunderstood God’s intended purpose?

Rashi, an eleventh century Biblical commentator, also hangs his interpretation on the same word. He explains, perhaps God was saying, “When I said to you ‘Take your son’… I did not say to you, sh’chateihu, ‘slaughter him,’ but only ha’aleihu, ‘bring him up.’ Now that you have brought him up, introduce him to Me, and then take him back down” (Rashi on Gen 22:2). Instead of wanting Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, God really only wanted him to spend some spiritual “quality time” with his son. Had Abraham only slowed down to think it through, he might have spared himself, Isaac, and Sarah a significant amount of stress and pain.
Our Biblical Heritage: Volatile Parent-Child Relationships

What is it about fathers and sons, about mothers and daughters, that can be so painful, so volatile? Why is our Biblical text – the mirror to our souls – so littered with the remnants of once close relationships now destroyed?

Noah and his sons built an ark to replenish a new world cleansed of violence. Forty days later, with the world depending on their actions, Noah got drunk, enraged, cursed his sons, and brought hatred back into the world (Gen. 9:24). We seem to pass it down l’dor vador, from generation to generation. Isaac’s own son Jacob, so desperate for his father’s approval and love, and jealous of his father’s relationship with his twin brother Esau, took sibling rivalry to new heights. He stole his brother’s birthright inheritance, then fled Esau’s anger for forty years, never fully reconciling with his brother or his own guilt. Later, as a father, Jacob also played favorites by giving his beloved son Joseph that technicolored dream coat. And then young Joseph was sold off into slavery. Like his father and grandfather before him, Jacob failed to see the bitter jealousy and hatred that raged within his family.

Noted psychologists recognize that it is the nature of male familial relationships to be competitive and/or volatile. Mothers and daughters often bounce from intense closeness and heart-wrenching rejection. Of course, such tensions appear in all kinds of family relationships – among fathers and daughters, and mothers and sons too. None of us are immune.
The Or Ami Center for Jewish Parenting: Where Parents Turn for Guidance

At Congregation Or Ami, we take seriously the need to reexamine the relationships between parents and children. We understand that our children (and grandchildren) are growing up with pressures and challenges far surpassing those of our youth. The new Or Ami Center for Jewish Parenting aims to provide guidance and support for parents and grandparents as we navigate the uncharted waters of parenting.

There are few situations more uncomfortable yet central to parenting than trying to talk to and guide our children as they navigate the uncharted waters of their own sexuality. Encounters between parents and children over these issues greatly affect our children’s future self-esteem. We think we are doing or saying the right thing, but have we taken the time to (pre-)think it through? Done right, such discussions can draw us closer together. Mishandled, our relationships can begin to mirror those of Abraham, Sarah and Isaac, post-Akeda.
[Center for Jewish Parenting]

Sacred Choices: Thinking Through Teen Sexuality

In November 2007, the Or Ami Center for Jewish Parenting proudly invites Rabbi Laura Novak Winer, the Reform Movement’s leading teacher on teen sexuality, to advise us on two subjects:

Sacred Choices: Talking With Your Teens About Sex And Sexual Ethics. Monday, November 12, 7:30-9:00 pm. Adults Only. Gain insight and strategies on how to talk to your teen (or pre-teen or soon to be teen) about these important yet uncomfortable issues.

Hooking Up: Teens and Sex. Wednesday, November 14, 10:00-11:30 am. Adults Only. Beginning with a general overview of teen culture today and the challenges teens face, Rabbi Novak Winer helps us decipher and respond to the complex teen culture surrounding sexuality.

For 9th-12 Graders Only: Rabbi Laura Novak Winer will lead a special program on Sacred Choices for our older students. Wednesday, November 14, 6:30-8:00 pm. Participants must be Or Ami members, but need not be currently enrolled in Temple Teen Night. Non-TTN students must RSVP.

For 7th-8th Graders Only: Rachel Sisk, Regional Director of Informal Education and Youth, will lead a program for our younger teens on Sacred Choices. Wednesday, November 14, 6:30-8:00 pm. Participants must be Or Ami members, but need not be currently enrolled in Temple Teen Night. Non-TTN students must RSVP.

These sessions are geared to parents (and grandparents) of teenagers who are currently facing these issues, parents of pre-teens who are beginning to think about how to deal with these issues, and parents of younger children who want to lay the groundwork for future conversations, teachers, medical professionals, therapists and others who work with young people and want to better understand how Jewish values can inform their work, and anyone interested in deciphering the complex world to teen sexuality. For a taste of Rabbi Novak Winer’s teaching, listen to this recent podcast discussion with her Orthodox counterpart on teen sexuality.

Come reexamine the world of our teens and pre-teens. Gain valuable insights and go home with new strategies for how to navigate the minefield of the teenage years. Through the Or Ami Center for Jewish Parenting, we can improve upon the misunderstandings of the Biblical past as we map out new directions for our relationships with our kids.

[Listen to Rabbi Laura Novak Winer Discuss the Sacred Choices Perspective on Teen Sexuality]

Talkback

As always, I invite your thoughts.

• What successes have you had discussing sexuality with your teen?
• What questions do you have regarding talking to teens about sex?
• How do you react to this interpretation of the Binding of Isaac, that Abraham misunderstood God’s intent?