Tag: Teens

Personal, Haimische, Computerized

Bar Mitzvah for child #3 went computerized. Not the Torah or Siddur (prayerbook), but just about everything else.

  • We created an online invitation using a Create Your Own Website template (maybe sometime in the future we will post it here for all to see). We made an online donation to an Israeli Nature organization equal to what we had saved not printing invitation (and saving trees).
  • We uploaded addresses and sent an online invitation to everyone we wanted to invite (at our son’s request, we sent my son’s friends a one page flyer, instructing them to go online to view the invitation and to RSVP). Truth be told, we might have missed a few older relatives who do not have email or computers.
  • People RSVP’ed online (a feature of the website).
  • We tracked who was coming with a computer program – Microsoft’s Excel.
  • He drafted his d’var Torah (speech) on his computer and, using “track changes,” received edits and advice from his rabbi (my friend).
  • We kept a list of who gave which gifts on the same computer program.
  • We allowed our son to – radical – type up his thank you notes in the same computer on which he writes everything in his life – his school papers, his emails to friends – using Microsoft’s Word. I recall rewriting so many thank you notes as a young Bar Mitzvah because either:

My handwriting was unreadable
I forgot to address someone as “aunt” or “uncle”
I thanked someone for attending who did not attend

  • Typed thank you notes also afforded us the opportunity to edit the notes easily. Very little copying and pasting really (though he did use a template he wrote and supplemented or changed from there). It was natural for him, personal for most recipients, and painless for us parents who had to make it happen. Miss Manners might frown on the typing and printing, but this kid types and prints everything else, why should his Bar Mitzvah experience be anachronistic?
  • We printed the thank you notes out on Thank you cards. And he signed each one personally.
  • Soon, we will review digital pictures as we read email (electronic) notes from friends kvelling about the service and celebration as our extended family Facebook’s the experience for posterity.

So, Torah read from ancient scrolls, while the celebration and party was organized digitally. Old and new, combined. It felt natural to him and his generation. Why not?

5 Questions to Ask Your Teens Before School Vacation

As his New Jewish Community High School students go off for winter and summer breaks, master educator Dr. Bruce Powell – founder and head of school for “New Jew” – asks his students to ask themselves these five questions:

-Is it safe?
-Is it legal?
-Does it make sense?
-Does it comport with our Jewish values?
-Can I proudly tell my parents, my grandparents, my Head of School what I did?

Writes Dr. Powell: “These are the questions I ask our students before we break for winter and summer vacation. I want them to think carefully before they do anything that can and most likely will affect their lives in a positive or negative way. Whether at a party, on a trip, visiting colleges, at camp, or just “hanging out,” if our children can answer “Yes” to all five questions before they act, and wherever they are in life, then we will certainly fulfill our school’s mission of “raising up Jewish leaders” for the future of our community and nation.”

Why do I send my kids to New Jew and strongly urge all parents of our synagogue teens to consider the school also? Yes, it is because it’s academics are very strong. Yes, it is because our students get into the top colleges and universities around the country (and New Jew has an excellent college admissions department). But mostly, because headed up by a talented educator who gets it, New Jew provides my kids – both my biological and synagogual kids – with the best advice on how to live healthy, valued Jewish lives.
Ask your teens to ask themselves these five questions when they go out for the evening or off for the weekend.
And check out www.ncjhs.org to discover one of Los Angeles’ best kept secrets.

Rudeness All Around: Loud Public Cellphone Talking, Texting During Services

There is a thread on our Rabbinic listserve addressing the increasingly challenging problem of how to deal with noisy teenage guests at Bar/Bat Mitzvah services.  It has morphed into questions about how to deal with the incessant texting that these kids now engage in during the service.  (Interesting question is whether having them text – thus remaining more quiet – is an acceptable solution to the noise during services.)

A recent New York Times article, As the Rudes Get Ruder, the Scolds Get Scoldier, laments an equally challenging problem – the loud cellphone talker in the restaurant, coffee shop (or in NYC, on the subway).  A relative of the rude person who parks in the handicapped spot (but is fully physically abled), Loud Talker seems oblivious to his rudeness.  So how do we respond?

I recall an incident a few years back, Just Two Weeks after Yom Kippur and Already I’m Sinning. There in the street stood a woman, leaning toward the window of a big SUV, having a conversation. After observing a few cars swerve around her, I came to believe that she was endangering herself and others by standing in the road. I opened my window and called out, “Could you move to the other side of the car? By standing there you are making it unsafe for our kids.” She and the woman in the driver’s seat of the SUV looked strangely at me and said, “What?” I repeated my concern, “Standing in the street, you are making it unsafe for our kids and yourself. The cars are swerving…” She looked at me again, pondered what I said, and called out, “Shut Up!” 

Flabbergasted then, I’m still flabbergasted.

How do we respond?  Torah (Leviticus 19:17-18) teaches “You shall not hate your kinsman in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against your kinsfolk. Love your neighbor as yourself.” Say something, because rudeness can be cured.

But say it with sweetness as we learn from 12th century Maimonides, One who rebukes another, whether for [personal] offenses or for sins against God, should administer the rebuke in private, speak to the offender gently and tenderly and point out that he is only speaking for the wrongdoer’s own good… (Mishneh Torah, Hilkhot De’ot 6:7).

How would you respond to Loud Public Cellphone Talker?  To Teen Torah Service Texter?  To Handicapped Parking Space Stealer?  I’m dying to know…

Our Redhead Looks at Colleges: Tears, Smiles and a Blessing

It all started with Consecration.  In celebration of the beginning of their formal Jewish education, these cute kindergartners ascend to the bimah to stand before the aron kodesh (holy ark) to receive a mini-Torah from the hands of their parents.  Nervousness surrounds us as children wonder where to stand, as parents step forward unsure of how to guide them.  Still, smiles mingle with tears as we watch our babies continue to grow up.  And we bless, shehecheyanu, thanking God for getting us to this special day. 

Then we stand again on the bimah as the child, now thirteen, becomes a Bat or Bar Mitzvah.  Having spent years learning about Judaism and practicing Hebrew, she now leads the service, chant from Torah, and gets to stand before parents, relatives and friends who sit quietly and attentively as she expounds eloquently on some lesson derived from Torah.  Nervousness surrounds us as the teens, so worried about what others will think, now are anxious about whether they will mess up the words or the tune.  Some will now call them “men” or “women” but we know better.  They are just taking the first steps on the road toward being an adult.  Still we pass down Torah midor lador, from generation to generation, hoping that their shoulders are now broad enough to carry on the burden (and joy) of our tradition and values.   Smiles mingle with tears as we realize our children are no longer babies.  And we bless, shehecheyanu, thanking God for getting us to this special day. 

Then we stand again, on the bimah leading up to the airplane, as we accompany our babies on their journeys to visit potential colleges.  Having spent years learning about everything and nothing, they now travel up and down the coast, and sometimes across the country, seeking out the right match – a college to propel them forward toward chochma (wisdom) and talmud Torah (learning).  Nervousness surrounds us as they spend months struggling to capture in college essays the essence of their lives, souls and dreams, worried that if they do not put their best face forward they will be rejected by the schools of their choice.  Some will call them “adults,” as they soon can vote, make their own decisions, and, in time, drink legally.  But we know that they are still just older kids, merely taking the next set of steps on the path toward adulthood (and besides, a vast majority will come back home after graduation for the free room and board).  Smiles mingle with tears as we realize our babies are simultaneously our children in need of guidance and not. 

Yes, consecration is a liminal moment, a time of transition into study.

Yes, Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a liminal moment, a transition onto the path toward adulthood.

And choosing a college, now that is really a liminal moment, a transition, heartwrenchingly wonderful, which propels our children forward. 

Philosophical?  Yes.  But deeply personal.  Because the little redheaded girl who moments ago could not stand still on the bimah during her consecration, who seconds ago could not make me prouder as she chanted her Torah and gave her d’var Torah (speech) is now looking at colleges. 

So, as I reflect upon these few days of our father-daughter college visiting trip – tours, interviews and visits to Hillel houses – I quietly intone, with a smile mingled with tears, the bracha (blessing) we Jews say whenever we arrive at one of these firsts:

…shehecheyanu v’kee’manu v’higee-anu lazman hazeh.

Holy One of Blessing, who has guided me on my journey through this universe, thank you for giving us life, for sustaining us, and for bringing us – with smiles and tears – to this incredible moment. 

The Read Red Carpet Treatment: Prom Prep

This year, Congregation Or Ami won the Irving Fain Social Justice Award from the Union for Reform Judaism for our multifaceted project: Supporting Children in Foster Care. We are proud of all of the activities that make up this Project, including Prom Prep, Mitzvah Day, Back to School and Holiday Child Shopping Sprees, and Adopt a Child Abuse Caseworker. Read about this year’s Prom Prep (pictures here) in an early version of an article by Elyse Glickman, that appeared in the Jewish Family magazine this month:

The Real Red Carpet Treatment

Volunteers from Calabasas’ Congregation Or Ami and Encino’s Valley Beth Shalom team up with Los Angeles’ Department of Children & Family Services to create the ultimate “dress for success” prom event.

By Elyse Glickman

The senior prom is more than just a fancy party. It’s a right of passage marking a young woman’s transition from high school into womanhood and real life. Though looking glamorous and ending childhood on a high note is front and center, the prom can be as important, meaningful and emotional a day as a wedding or a landmark birthday.

For some girls, especially those who came of age in foster families, and sometimes under the most challenging of circumstances, the opportunity to experience the prom can be life-changing. Prom Prep 101, coordinated by Los Angeles’ Department of Children & Family Services (DCFS), and supported by Jewish community and church volunteers throughout the city, was conceived to not only provide essentials for foster girls’ senior proms, but also life after the prom. Though the program’s original name was “Feel Like a Princess Day,” program coordinator and ACAC (Adopt A Child Abuse) Caseworker Lovette Panthier wanted its name to reflect its more grown-up, self-esteem building objectives.

“We recruit volunteers through word of mouth and synagogue correspondence,” explains Susan Gould, president at Congregation Or Ami, introduced to the program by one of her fellow congregants, Laurie Tragen-Boykoff, several years ago. “Once someone has participated in the program, she always comes back the following year, and usually brings daughters or friends. This is a fantastic way to bring of our congregation’s main tenets, People Matter, to life. By demonstrating and living tzedaka, we teach our youth to take action to help heal the world. My daughter Joanna and I have participated in this event for several years. We have done everything from soliciting dresses from stores to collecting gently-used dresses, working the accessory tables and escorting young ladies at the event. I am thankful my daughter wants to continue participating in this event, as she says it makes her feel grateful for what she has. Furthermore, she is still in touch with Kaylee, the first girl we escorted.”

Thanks to the leadership of Gould and Debbie Echt-Moxness (who took over Prom Prep 101’s management when Gould became Congregation Or Ami’s president), congregants have not only donated volunteer time but also thousands of dollars to maintain the program. Ongoing outreach into the community and communication with program coordinator Panthier as well as Patti Jacobs and Bess Resnick, the event co-charis at Valley Beth Shalom, meanwhile, have this year resulted in generous donations from Wells Fargo Bank as well as dresses from Trendy Collection, Noell and many Jewish congregation members. Other donations, overseen by Rabbi Noah Z. Farkas include shoes from David Miles of Treasure Depot BH, jewelry by Jay and Kathy Ottenstein, and beauty products from OPI and Avon. Professional hairstylist Laurie Heaps will be recruiting the army of hair and makeup artists, while Steve Cohen of Starlite Caterers provides a sumptuous meal for girls and volunteers. Panthier also mentions that this year’s class of prom queens will also receive a copy of the acclaimed self-esteem book Exactly as I Am by Access Hollywood reporter Shaun Robinson.

Echt-Moxness, however, stresses the human touch temple volunteers (such as Arlene Wolff), church volunteers (Donna Mae Pitluck, Shirley Thomson andJanet Fisher), speakers (Sheryl Marcus of the Fashion Institute) and organizers (including Randi Simenhoff) bring to Prom Prep 101 give the girls memories and self-assurance that endure long after their prom’s last dance.

“Many of them come in reluctant, shy and withdrawn,” observes Echt-Moxness. “By the time they walk the red carpet at the end of the day, their spirits are shining, their faces glowing and they are smiling ear to ear. It’s as if they are saying, ‘Ready or not, World, here we come!’ Though we don’t actually give them self-confidence, strength and inner beauty, the way we treat them bring those gifts within each girl out into the open. I see each of these girls like a gem waiting to be set. Though their spirits have been dulled by their life experiences, the day of generosity and loving kindness is like a polish. Volunteers, meanwhile, act as mirrors allowing the girls to see their special-ness in a new, different way.”

Echt-Moxness adds that some of the most life-changing moments for both teens and volunteers take place when young daughters of volunteers tell their escort how beautiful she is. “Beyond dresses and accessories, the feeling of being looked up to is one of the most important gifts teens take home,” she muses. “However, the gift goes both ways. My daughter Molly praised the teen she was working with, and the teen was so moved, she got down on her knees—difficult with all the extra material in the way–took Molly’s hands and said, ‘You are beautiful, too, and don’t you ever forget that!’ The glow on both of their faces and hearts was priceless.”

Charlisa Warner, who did Prom Prep 101 last year, stresses that she’s carried both the material and priceless gifts she received from the event into her new life as a college student. The 19 year-old has even channeled her resulting personal growth into a new business, www.tru-been.com, a web site designed to provide information and resources to girls like herself who are leaving the foster care system and entering adulthood.

“Prom Prep 101 gave me confidence in ways I did not expect,” says Warner. “Before Prom Prep 101, I was the kind of girl who was scared to go to prom. I was intimidated, did not know very many boys, and felt I wasn’t pretty enough. During Prom Prep 101, I learned I am a beautiful person from the inside out. (My experience at Prom Prep 101) has also motivated me to go out and help more people out there like me. I am grateful to my social worker for telling me about the opportunity to be a part of Prom Prep 101. Also, it brought me closer to my foster family because they encouraged me to go through the program, and going to the prom made me finally feel like a normal high school student doing normal high school things. If it wasn’t for this, I wouldn’t have had a dress, the first dress I ever owned, which made me feel like anything was possible.”

Sarah Machat, meanwhile, experienced Prom Prep 101 as a volunteer, and says her work reaching out to girls her age brings extra personal meaning to her Social Work major. “Volunteering for Prom Prep has opened my eyes a lot,” confides Machat. “The most important thing I have learned is that little things can make such a big difference in somebody’s lives. Though I mostly work on the sidelines during the Prom Prep events, I remember there was one girl who was pregnant but still interested in going through the program. Her willingness to ask for help, even though she was more vulnerable than many of the other girls and showing, revealed her inner-strength coming to the surface. It was gratifying to see her confidence in herself rise by the end of her makeover.”

Though she comes from a middle class background, Machat reveals she has an astonishing number of things in common with Warner, including dedicating significant personal spare time to the cause. The freshman serves as Director of Community Service for Alpha Phi (Eta Kappa Chapter) at University of California, Irvine, and is conducting a dress and accessories drive through UC Irvine’s Greek System to offer Prom Prep girls a fine and diverse assortment of goods.

“A kid who has had a tough life and grew up with very little suddenly becomes a role model for a younger child who has plenty,” concludes Congregation Or Ami’s Rabbi Paul Kipnes, an active supporter of Prom Prep 101 and the efforts of Jewish community members committed to the cause year after year. “This occurrence is not only life-changing but equalizing. It reminds us all that we are all people with hopes and dreams, and everybody alive has something positive to teach or contribute to society. Though its hard to track many of the girls after they graduate, we hear stories through their social workers about how many of them have gone on to get good jobs or go to college. We know we are through these programs not only boosting the self-esteem of these girls, but also showing them they have more options than they realized.”

How to Guide Your Teen (or pre-teen) Toward Good Decision Making

Somehow our three children have become three teenagers. They are amazing, loveable but totally exhausting. Having successfully navigated our children’s early years, we – like most parents of teenagers – find ourselves facing new challenges: their intense emotions, hormonal changes, extreme academic demands, and opposing instincts to separate from and connect with parents. To whom do we turn for advice and inspiration, to nurture these precious children toward living lives with good values?

Dr. Bruce Powell with teensAllow me to introduce national award-winning educator Dr. Bruce Powell, founder of New Community Jewish High School and two other Jewish High Schools. As a parent, a rabbi and a community leader, I have witnessed up close how this educators’ educator guides parents (and grandparents) through the stressful, yet immensely rewarding process of guiding our teens (and pre-teens) toward making good decisions.

While preparing to attend, read the article below, Parenting Jewish Teens, for Jewish values which inform the process of parenting teens.

Parenting Jewish Teens

By Joanne Doades

Author of Parenting Jewish Teens: A Guide for the Perplexed (Jewish Lights Publishing) and the Director of Curriculum Development for the Union for Reform Judaism Department of Lifelong Jewish Learning.

In the Book of Genesis, we encounter many stories of individuals who leave their parents’ homes under difficult circumstances. For today’s Jewish teens, the struggle for leave-taking begins long before the actual physical event. This is an emotional and often conflict-filled process of separation generally beginning around the time of bar/bat mitzvah, peaking between the ages of 15 to 19, and usually subsiding by the early to mid-twenties.

Peace in the Home
How well Jewish parents handle this natural but challenging process can have a significant impact on shalom bayit (peace in the home), and set the stage for relationships with the soon-to-be-adult children for many years to come. Since the teenage years are such a time of change, experimentation, and identity redefinition, it can be hard for parents to sort out which issues require their attention and which can be ignored. And given the fact that many teens enact the separation process around matters of Jewish observance, it is not surprising that parents of Jewish teens may find themselves asking the question: “What happened to the child I thought I had raised?!”

Fortunately, Jewish tradition offers parents helpful guidance during this important and challenging family transition:

Model Desired Behavior
Though it may not be apparent, teens are keen observers of their parents’ behavior, and are quick to notice contradictions and inconsistencies, so sending clear messages–in words and in deeds–is essential. A tale is told about the Zhitomer rabbi who was once walking with his son when they noticed a drunken father and his drunken son stumbling along. The rabbi said to his son, “I envy that father. He has accomplished his goal of having a son like himself…I can only hope that the drunkard is not more successful in training his son than I am with you.” (Voices of Wisdom: Jewish Ideals and Ethics for Everyday Living, Jonathan David Publishers)

Continue to Build Mutual Trust
The importance of parental honesty with children is clearly delineated in the Talmud (Sukkah 46b). Parents are instructed to refrain from promising their child something they might not be able to deliver, lest they cause feelings of disappointment in the child and teach dishonesty, however inadvertently. In relationships with teens, parents may feel the teen cannot be trusted because the teen secretly behaved in a way that violated family rules and norms. However, it can sometimes be the case that the parents have created a situation in which the teen might be strongly tempted to violate rules that are no longer realistic or appropriate. While a parent is responsible for preventing a (post bar/bat mitvah) teen from committing a wrong if it is within the parent’s ability to do so (Babylonia Talmud, Shabbat 54b, Sukkah 56b), unrealistic restrictions could sometimes cause a teen to commit a wrong. In this case, the parents are unwittingly putting a stumbling block before their child (Leviticus 19:14). Mutually respectful dialogue is essential to producing guidelines with which both parent and teen can live.

Chastise When Necessary, But Do So Carefully
The Torah clearly states the obligation to let another person know when he or she is doing something wrong (Leviticus 19:17). It is equally important, though, that this be done with great sensitivity. Notes commentator Avnei Azel: ” ‘You shall not hate your brother in your heart; you shall surely rebuke your neighbor’…What is the link between these two parts of the verse? The explanation is that one can only truly rebuke a person that one loves and whom one wishes to see mend his ways, such as the way a father rebukes his son. The closer a person is to another person, the greater the love and the more earnest the rebuke. A rebuke which is the product of love is more effective.” (Torah Gems Volume 2, Yavneh Publishing House)

Manage Your Anger
Teenager behavior can be quite vexing and even downright infuriating. An enraged response on the part of the parent, however, should be avoided. According to Maimonides: “Anger is…an exceptionally bad quality. It is fitting and proper that one move away from it and adopt the opposite extreme. [A parent] should school himself not to become angry even when it is fitting to be angry. If he [or she] should wish to arouse fear in his children and household…to motivate them to return to the proper path, he should present an angry front to them to punish them, but he should be inwardly calm. He should be like one who acts out the part of an angry man in his wrath, but is not himself angry.” (Mishneh Torah, Hilkhot Deot 2:3) Parents can apply this advice by taking a few minutes, if need be, to collect their thoughts, put the situation in perspective, and respond appropriately to the problem at hand. This approach stands a far better chance of getting the desired results.

Positive Interactions Should Outweigh Negative Ones
If parents are always chastising their teens about the more annoying aspects of teen behavior (messy room, inattention to schoolwork, issues about money, laziness, loud music, to name a few), there will be little opportunity to normalize the relationship. The Torah warns against being vengeful or bearing a grudge (Leviticus 19:18), because such behavior can cause us to continuously view another through an overly negative lens. The advice of the Talmud (Sanhedrin 107b) is to discipline with the left (weaker) hand and to reach out with the right (stronger), so that reconciliation is possible. Relationships between today’s parents and teens can deteriorate quite quickly unless parents deal with difficult issues and move forward in a constructive way.

Respect Differences in the Area of Jewish Observance
It is often quite difficult to accept the fact that a teenager may not want to participate in the family’s Jewish observances in the way he or she did when younger, and this can feel like a rejection of a parent’s core values. However, the Talmud teaches us not to impose restrictions that cannot be adhered to (Bava Batra 60b), so it is wise to make accommodations during this time, where possible, in order to facilitate an eventual return to parental teachings. A wonderful model for this can be found in a tale that is told about the Baal Shem Tov (Master of the Good Name), the founder of Hasidism. When a distraught Hasid came to see him, the rebbe gently asked: “What is the problem?” “It is my son,” the Hasid bemoaned. “He no longer follows our religion,” “Do you love your son?” the Baal Shem Tov inquired. “Of course I do!” the man cried. “Then love him even more,” was the rebbe’s response.

Move from Control to Consultation
Our forefather Abraham is instructed by God to leave his native land and his father’s house and to go to a land that God will show him (Genesis 12:1). Why the redundancy [saying leave your “land”, your “father’s house”]? If you are leaving your native land, are you not by definition leaving your father’s house as well? Perhaps the message is that in order to grow to become the person you are meant to be, you must step out into the world in a decisive way, leaving behind the rules, regulations, and practices of the home in which you were raised.

At some point children need to separate from their parents, both emotionally as well as physically. Despite the legitimate and real feelings of loss that Jewish parents may experience during this transitional period, it is important to facilitate this process in a constructive way so that teens can grow into emotionally healthy adulthood. Rabbi Bradley Shavit Artson of the University of Judaism puts it this way: “While casting a giant shadow over our children’s perceptions and actions, their maturation entails a retreat of the parents’ ability to impose their own preferences. Ultimately, children learn to become responsible for themselves and their own behavior. Can we, as parents, learn to let our children take charge?” Knowing when to hold them close and when to nudge them toward independence is one of the most difficult–and important–trials of parenting Jewish teens.

Encourage Teens to Stay Involved in the Jewish Community
Pirkei Avot (2:4) urges us to not separate from the community, and this is great advice for Jewish teens and their parents. Recent studies indicate the strong influence of parents in teen decision-making about continued involvement in Jewish activities such as Hebrew high school, youth groups, summer camps, and Israel trips. These are positive experiences in which teens continue to learn, grow, and socialize in settings defined by Jewish values, a wonderful antidote to many of the objectionable images and messages so antithetical to Jewish beliefs and practices that can be found in the popular media. Jewish parents, too, can benefit from remaining affiliated with Jewish institutions such as the synagogue and community center during their children’s teenage years, and parents can help create Parenting Jewish Teens groups when pre-bar and bat mitzvah family education programs are no longer available.

In the Torah, when God calls out to individuals for whom God has a special job, the response that indicates commitment in every sense of the word is, “Hineini–here I am!” Perhaps the job of parenting Jewish teens today is to say to our teens, “Hineini,” and to live its message in our parenting each day.

Talkback:

Since it takes a village to raise a child, we at Or Ami your insights about how to raise good, valued Jewish teenagers. Please take a moment to share your nuggets of wisdom on Parenting Jewish Teens. Author of the best piece of advice will receive a Tefillat HaDerech (Traveler’s Prayer) keychain from Israel.

Sibling Rivalry: Can’t Kill ’em so Try to Love ’em

I have three siblings: an older sister, and two younger brothers. Our relationships with each other have, like the sides of an accordion, sometimes drawn closer and sometimes moved farther apart. At times distance (east-west coast, California-Israel) has made my heart grow fonder; occasionally the distance provides an easy excuse to ignore them. While we may argue over who is our parents’ favorite (“my son, the rabbi”…, kind of hard to beat that), we so often turn to each other when the going gets really tough.

A seven-year-old girl, discussing her younger sister and herself, once said: “I think that God is having one big experiment. God put two people who are very different in one house to live and wants to see what happens.” Truth be told: my brothers and I had some knock-down, drag-outs in our day, and we all did a lot of kvetching – complaining – about each other too. But in various ways, my siblings are the people who consume much of the space in my heart. Our relationships are intense, complex and deeply cherished.

Torah Truth 1: Sibling Relationships are Challenging
In truth, many sibling relationships are challenging, for the children and for the parents too. These problems reach as far back as our Biblical past. Torah, in its brutally honest way, bares the truth about siblings for all to see. Rather than whitewashing our founding families, Genesis details the fratricide of Cain and Abel, the supplanting of Ishmael by Isaac, the outright disdain and deceit between Jacob and Esau, jealousies between Leah and Rachel, and the parental favoritism, egotism (and attempted fratricide) between Joseph and his brothers.

No doubt Biblical parents helped fuel these sibling rivalries: Abraham’s willingness to send Hagar and Ishmael into the desert, Laban’s deceiving of Jacob with Leah, and Jacob’s fawning over Joseph. How much do our actions (or inactions) as parents influence the relationships our children develop?

Torah Truth 2: Not All Sibling Relationships are Toxic

While the fratricidal Cain and Abel are perhaps the Torah’s best-known brothers, there is also the example of Joseph’s sons, Ephraim and Menashe, who learn to live in harmony to benefit the Jewish people and have become models to emulate through the generations. In fact, each Friday evening, Jewish parents worldwide bless their sons, “May you be like Ephraim and Menasha.” These two young men have become a model for boys on how they should get on with each other.

By the end of the Torah, we see a very different picture of sibling relationships. Sandy Littman, of the London School of Jewish Studies, argues that “you have situations where each sibling’s role is complementary and their characters mesh with each other to function in a harmonious way. The Torah gives us the negative picture first.” Jacob and Esau, for example, could have had a partnership. Two brothers who were so different had something to make the world complete, bring some good to the world. But instead of forming a partnership, they went off in different ways.

Yet brothers Moses and Aaron combine their talents to free the Israelites. Aaron, the high priest, and Moses, the leader, complement each other’s talents. They completed each other. One wonders, suggest scholar Littman, whether Aaron and Moses worked so well together “because they had a big sister to look after them.”

Tips for Family Flow Rather than Friction

  • Encourage your kids to work as a team. Suggest they make pizza together every Sunday night, or put them in charge of recycling bottles and deciding how the return money is spent.
  • Step back and allow your children to create their own relationships apart from you. Catch yourself if you tend to micromanage their interaction.
  • Come to the Or Ami Center for Jewish Parenting’s presentation by Bette Alkazian (Thursday, February 5, 7:00-8:30 pm) on Brothers And Sisters: The Joys And Challenges Of Sibling Relationships. More information here.
  • When kids begin to squabble, don’t become the referee. Come up with ways they can work out their own spats. One mother does more than just send fighting kids to their rooms. She asks them to stand in their bedroom doorways and talk out the problem. They aren’t to return downstairs until they have worked it out. Standing in the doorway staring at each other leads to lots of interesting solutions — all without parental input.
  • Disagreements and irritation are part of any relationship. Accept that negative feelings will surface and try to develop a built-in structure for dealing with them.
  • Don’t expect automatic “brotherly love.” It lessens the guilt associated with “Well, he’s your brother: You should love him.”
  • Spend one-on-one time with each child. This communicates, “Yes, we are a team, but you are special!” We all want to be loved for our unique selves.
  • Take the time to truly observe each of your children to discover their temperament and approach to the world. What makes their spirit sing?
  • Strive to meet a child’s individual need when it arises. When one child is sick, he may need chicken soup and a back massage. That doesn’t mean it’s unfair that his brother doesn’t get the special treatment. His turn will come.
  • It’s our job to care for our children, not an older sister’s or brother’s. (Cain resented having to be his brother’s keeper, and we know how that turned out.)

Remember that no family is perfect. Even the Bible illustrates some pretty messy family dramas! (Adapted from Beliefnet)

Talkback


Are you (or did you) struggle to stimulate healthy relationships amongst your children or grandchildren? Become part of our Or Ami Center for Jewish Parenting exploration of these central relationships.

Attend Lecture: Come to the Or Ami Center for Jewish Parenting’s presentation by Bette Alkazian (Thursday, February 5, 7:00-8:30 pm) on Brothers And Sisters: The Joys And Challenges Of Sibling Relationships. More information here. Please RSVP to Kathy Haggerty.

Share Your Parenting Tips: Let us know what has worked for you to mellow the monsters (er, to stimulate healthy relationships). Share your answers on the blog. Click below (remember to type your name at the bottom of your comment and then change the “Comment As” drop down box to “anonymous”).

Teen Promiscuity: It Might Not be As Rampant as We Thought!

We have heard a lot about rampant teen sexuality. But evidence suggests otherwise. The NYTimes brings this:

While some young people are clearly engaging in risky sexual behavior, a vast majority are not. The reality is that in many ways, today’s teenagers are more conservative about sex than previous generations.

Today, fewer than half of all high school students have had sex: 47.8 percent as of 2007, according to the National Youth Risk Behavior Survey, down from 54.1 percent in 1991.A less recent report suggests that teenagers are also waiting longer to have sex than they did in the past. A 2002 report from the Department of Health and Human Services found that 30 percent of 15- to 17-year-old girls had experienced sex, down from 38 percent in 1995. During the same period, the percentage of sexually experienced boys in that age group dropped to 31 percent from 43 percent. The rates also went down among younger teenagers. In 1995, about 20 percent said they had had sex before age 15, but by 2002 those numbers had dropped to 13 percent of girls and 15 percent of boys.“There’s no doubt that the public perception is that things are getting worse, and that kids are having sex younger and are much wilder than they ever were,” said Kathleen A. Bogle, an assistant professor of sociology and criminal justice at La Salle University. “But when you look at the data, that’s not the case.”

Why do we perceive that teen promiscuity is rampant? The article continues:

One reason people misconstrue teenage sexual behavior is that the system of dating and relationships has changed significantly. In the first half of the 20th century, dating was planned and structured — and a date might or might not lead to a physical relationship. In recent decades, that pattern has largely been replaced by casual gatherings of teenagers. In that setting, teenagers often say they “fool around,” and in a reversal of the old pattern, such an encounter may or may not lead to regular dating.

Read the rest. Very interesting for us parents of teens!

Twilight: Jews, Vampires and You

When the movie means so much, find meaning in the movie.

My colleague, Rabbi Joshua Haberman, challenged by a Bat Mitzvah who wanted to speak about the movie Twilight, took up the challenge, studied and spoke about the Jewish lessons in this teen movie phenomenon. I confess that while I have seen 3 movies this vacation (my goal is a solid 5), Twilight has not been at the top of my list.

His Bat Mitzvah student Sophie’s own commentary is here.

Rabbi Haberman in his blog On One Foot writes:

…immediately I saw Edward Cullen, the “good” vampire here, as the embodiment of the Jewish ideal of self restraint. Pirke Avot considers the true hero to be the one who can control his own urges. For Edward to manange to overcome his innate bloodthirst and not devour Bella is akin to a human choosing to stop breathing and a feat no less spectacular than the way Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlav used to act.

Further, he comments on the Jewish notions of good and evil:

Judaism’s notion of the good and evil inclinations (the yetzer ha tov and yetzer ha ra) fit well into the world of “Twilight.” I collected some sources and compared them to quotes from the book in my service handout. You can see some of the sources in an interesting article at MyJewishLearning.com. According to tradition, we are born with an inclination to do evil, but it is only at the onset of adolescence, bar mitzvah, that our inclination to do good sets in. Perfect timing for Bella and Edward (although Edward’s inclination to do good has developed quite a bit more).

Net Geners, Millennials – Descriptive Names for People Younger than Me

Recently, an HUC student emailed me for help getting people to take a survey about Millennials working in the Jewish community. I learned real quickly that I was too old for that. So I sent it onto members of our faculty.

Then comes a book, Grown Up Digital: How the Net Generation Is Changing Your World, which offers another name for that generation: Net Geners. Again, it makes it very clear: I’m too old.

Considering tomorrow is my birthday, that hurts. But more interesting is the definition (which helps me understand my kids better):

Net Geners are currently in the range in age from 11 to 31.

But what really makes Net Geners different, Mr. Tapscott says, is their lifelong experience in using the Internet. Their parents were a television generation that watched the tube an average of 22.4 hours a week. Net Geners watch TV only 17.4 hours a week on average, but they spend 8 to 33 hours on the Internet. Whereas TV is basically a one-way broadcast medium that requires only passive participation, the Internet is a collaborative medium that invites simultaneous participation from multiple users all over the world.

Mr. Tapscott identifies eight norms of many members of the Net Generation: they prize freedom; they want to customize things; they enjoy collaboration; they scrutinize everything; they insist on integrity in institutions and corporations; they want to have fun even at school or work; they believe that speed in technology and all else is normal; and they regard constant innovation as a fact of life.

So they are better at the internet, and they expect more justice in this world than the rest of us. Bodes well for the future. I think.

Kids Say the Most Amazing Things: Confirmation Class 2008

Question: What do you get when you take four most thoughtful, compassionate, committed Jewish teens, with whom I have studied Judaism for eight to twelve years, and put them together up on the bimah at Erev Shabbat services?

Answer: A very moving Confirmation Class service.

Congregation Or Ami’s service last night was deeply meaningful. Our Confirmands – Alex Krasnoff, Ross Meyer, Jonny Wixen, and Sarah Wolfson – led the prayers and in between, offered their reflections on a series of questions:

  • If asked by a non-Jewish person what you cherish about Judaism, what would you say?
  • What do you believe or think about God?
  • Having studied Judaism for 10-13 years, what ideas or parts of Judaism are most significant or meaningful for you?
  • What has Judaism taught you that will help you later in life?
  • How do you feel connected to Israel?
  • When have you felt the most Jewish and why?

Some of their responses include:

If asked by a non-Jewish person what you cherish about Judaism, what would you say? I would talk about Tikkun Olam, or fixing the world. What is most important to me about Judaism is that Jews care about more than just our community but also the world. At every Jewish camp or temple I have ever attended, there has always been an emphasis on community service. Community service is something that I love and my passion for helping others is influenced heavily by the Jewish community and Judaism. It is great to be a member of a faith that is comprised of a community that cares about others.

If asked by a non-Jewish person what you cherish about Judaism, what would you say? I cherish Judaism because it provides me with a moral code about how to live my life. Judaism teaches that if I follow its laws, then I will live a productive and happy life. Judaism also allows me complete spiritual freedom. I do not have to be spiritual to be Jewish. I do not have to believe in that the biblical times were historical, and yet I still am able to gain so much from Judaism. Judaism has not taught me one particular thing that will help me later in life. Judaism has shaped HOW I live my life. Many of my most defining characteristics are either due to Jewish teachings or from my experiences in my Jewish community. I live a Jewish life. I learned many of my morals and beliefs through Jewish teachings, and I strive to life my life as Judaism teaches me.

One of the most meaningful things I have learned throughout my studies it to be accepting of others. It is important to accept other people for who they are and what they believe in. Not only does it help to prevent problems, by not dwelling on peoples differences, but also you might become friends with them. Another thing I have learned it to help those in need. One of the reasons helping those in need is important is because if you were in need, you would want someone to help you. The reason I like to help those in need is the wonderful feeling I receive from helping someone else.

What has Judaism taught you that will help you later in life? Judaism is full of life changing ideas and lessons. I know that I will use my studies later in life to help me make large decisions and live a fulfilling life. Judaism teaches us to be patient with one another, which I feel is really important if I want to go far and be happy. The idea of repentance on Rosh Hashana is an extremely important idea to me. I feel that it is crucial to reflect, but not regret, and then in a healthy way move on. If I can live these values, which Judaism has taught me, I know I will go far.

Having studied Judaism for 10-13 years, what ideas of Judaism are most meaningful for you? Judaism, at least Reform Judaism, has adapted to modern times. We are not forced to follow traditions just because that is how it has always been done, when those rituals have no relative meaning to modern times. Also, Judaism allows me to choose what I believe in and yet still provides a way to live my life to its fullest. This is what I love about Judaism the most, that Judaism instructs on how to live a successful Jewish life, yet does not require you to believe in every aspect of Judaism.

Rabbi Kipnes teaches that the strength of Judaism is its teaching that every aspect our Torah and tradition is open to questioning and challenge. Even the existence of God…

What do you believe or think about God? I do not believe that God exists. I prefer to believe that in a society as advanced as ours, people can be weaned off of the opiate of the masses. I do think that there is a place for religion without God. I think that religion is a great place to build a safe community, and to teach valuable morals and lessons. It is not that I ever lost my faith in God. It is that I never had it. To be frank, I think that science makes a much more logical and compelling case for creation. I believe that history makes a better case than the bible, although I think that neither science nor history account for life’s little unexplainable miracles.

What do you believe or think about God? Deism is the belief that God created the world but has no business in it today. I do not believe that God is someone that directly controls our daily lives. I believe more in free will instead than destiny. My understanding of God is slightly different from the God in which most people seem to believe. I believe that God is what you make for yourself.

In what ways do you feel connected to Israel? I wish I had a stronger relationship with Israel, the Holy Land. I feel connected in the sense that it is our ancestor’s land and that I have read and been taught many wonderful things about it. But I have never been. I want to go to Israel very soon. If I am fortunate enough, I will go on my birthright trip within the next few years to deepen my connection.

In what ways do you feel connected to Israel? I never really felt a connection to Israel until I visited Israel with Congregation Or Ami’s first Family Trip two winters ago. I found Israel to be a magical, beautiful place. I developed a connection to Israel the more I thought about how Israel was a nation that had risen from a horrible tragedy, existing among unfriendly neighbors. There is something very powerful about having a Jewish state in such an unfriendly and extremist area. I think that Israel is something that we need to protect for not only historical reasons but also because regardless of its past, today it is a Jewish state with Jewish families, people who have made their lives there. That right to exist must be protected. It is in that cause that I feel most connected to Israel.

I feel connected to Israel not only through the fact that I am Jewish but also through the friends I made that live in Israel. The first time I went to Israel I was too young to really appreciate it. Then in the 6th grade, I went back to Israel to visit my Great Grandmother and it was so meaningful that I do not know how to explain what I felt when I was there. Then last summer I was a counselor at my summer camp and became friends with a group of Israelis. Now I am trying to find time to go back to Israel so I can visit them and see the sights once more.

When have you felt the most Jewish and why? I felt most Jewish a few summers ago as I stood before a row of cribs in South-east Vietnam. I had traveled there with my parents and other Or Ami members on Or Ami’s Humanitarian Mission to the Orphanages in Vietnam. I felt most Jewish not just because I was with a group from the temple, but because of the emotions that I felt during those three weeks. I knew that being there was crucial to my growth and development as a boy becoming a man. That experience showed me that there are so many things to be thankful for and that it is our duty to give back whatever and whenever. It illuminated for me the Jewish ideal of Mitzvot, that we all have the responsibility because of our good fortunate to give back to others.

When have you felt the most Jewish and why? I felt most Jewish when I hosted a foreign exchange student from Spain and she attend a High Holy Day service with me. Before the service, I had to explain Judaism to her. Although I do not believe in God, I found in explaining Judaism to her, that I do have an extraordinary connection to the community and the lessons of our religion.

The Demise of Dating OR Teach Your Teen How to Date

We teach our kids that they were created b’tzelem Elohim, in the image of God. That they are unique, worthy, valued.

We teach our kids that their bodies are a gift from God, on loan from the Holy One. That they must take care of their bodies as their most prized possession.

We teach our kids that when two people find each other, share love, bond for life, it is kedushin, holiness. And that relationships that precede “the one” should strive for that holiness.

But I wonder, in this age of the internet, where we can spill out our guts (and our whole lives) on the blog, Facebook or MySpace, where do we learn the give and take of creating a wholesome, mutual, “real” relationship?

Then comes the New York Times announcing The Demise of Dating, saying:

The paradigm has shifted. Dating is dated. Hooking up is here to stay.
(For those over 30 years old: hooking up is a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of future emotional commitment. Think of it as a one-night stand with someone you know.)According to a report released this spring by Child Trends, a Washington research group, there are now more high school seniors saying that they never date than seniors who say that they date frequently. Apparently, it’s all about the hookup.

Kind of sad (though my memories of dating are not all positive). Kind of scary.

It turns out that everything is the opposite … Under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date.

Where do we learn to date?

It used to be that “you were trained your whole life to date,” said Ms. Bogle. “Now we’ve lost that ability — the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them.”

Funny. We worry so much about teaching our kids how to study, how to stay away from drugs, how to help friends who are suicidal. Intense stuff. And now we learn that we may need to go back to basics… to teach them how to date…

Death and Dying: Talking to Kids about…

We recently heard about two tragedies in our Conejo Valley educational community:

  • An Oak Park elementary teacher’s husband committed suicide. He had 2 small kids. He was a local photographer who was there as many of the children became B’nai Mitzvah.
  • A Medea Creek Middle School 8th grader, Cody Badalato, died on Sunday after being in a coma for a week. Last Friday night, Cody was having difficulty breathing and after his parents called 911, suffered cardiac arrest. He was airlifted to UCLA, where he was diagnosed with leukemia lymphoma, which caused a large mass in his chest. This condition was unknown to anyone until the emergency. Up to that point he was a healthy 13 year old boy. Cody’s 14th birthday was this past Saturday.

Understandably, students, parents, teachers and the whole community might be feeling a jumble of intense emotions. (Read the complete eLearning with Rabbi Kipnes eNewsletter)

One of the most challenging tasks confronting us all is how to explain death to a child. In the midst of one’s own grief or in the attempt to comfort another, a child’s need to know and understand is often overlooked. Or, adults decide that a child simply won’t comprehend what is happening. Or the tremendous upheaval in the normal routines of the household throws the child into a kind of chaos of unexpected events and uncertainty about his or her future. Yet psychologists tell us that children today, shaped by the constant barrage of death portrayed on television and in the movies, are far more aware of death and its consequences than many adults realize.

The decision about what to tell children will depend largely on the age of the child, her or his sensitivity to the subject, and the child’s relationship to the deceased. As with the “phases” of grief, much of the actual response of a child will depend a great deal on the relationship between the parent and child, and how the parent chooses to discuss the death itself.

In conjunction with the Or Ami Center for Jewish Parenting, we offer these resources to help guide those of you touched by these tragedies. Please forward these to your friends.

Resources for Helping Your Child Cope

Talking to Your Child about Death and Dying, including

* Informing the Child
* Should I Bring a Child to the Funeral?
* Deciphering what is on a Child’s Mind
* Guidance for Talking to Childen of Different Ages
* How to Comfort the Mourner
* What to Say and Not to SayWhen a Child Dies
* Prayers for When a Pet Dies

Facing a Suicide: Talking to Kids about It, including

* Five Initial Thoughts when Dealing with a Child after a Suicide
* Six Warning Signs of Suicide
* Seven Things to Do: When You Suspect Suicidal Feelings

Caring for the Mourners, including

* Writing Condolence Cards
* Supporting the Mourners

A Prayer for a Cure for Cancer

May you find the courage and fortitude to face the realities of life:
that some live and some die
that sometimes things just don’t make sense
that we can chose:
to hold those we love closer
and to count our blessings.

Facing a Suicide: Talking to Kids About…

I heard about another suicide. This time of an Oak Park elementary teachers who has 2 small kids. He was a local photographer who was there as many of the children became B’nai Mitzvah.

Those who knew him and even those who did not, are shocked, scared and anxious. Many are reviewing their interactions with this man to see if they missed any signs about what he was thinking. Others are wondering how someone could be considering such drastic action and they did not know it.

Parents are wondering how to help their children deal with this tragedy. Still others are wondering if they are missing signs from their own children.

Five Initial Thoughts when Dealing with Children after a Suicide:

  1. Be with them, let them talk, or cry, or just be. Suicide is confusing and it may take time for your child to open up and begin to talk about it.
  2. While most suicidal individuals give off warning signs, many of these signs are missed by even those closest to them. Scrutinizing past interactions for such signs is normal, brought about by feelings of guilt, sadness or remorse. Listen to your child, don’t dismiss his/her sadness, but remind him/her that even those closest to the person who killed himself did not recognize the signs.
  3. Most adolescents have thoughts at one time or another about suicide. It is NORMAL to have such thoughts. Let your child know that he or she can talk to you about anything. Be prepared not to “freak out” if your child shares such thoughts.
  4. If necessary, and if your child needs it, consult with a therapist who works with children. I would be glad to refer you to such individuals.
  5. Please do not hesitate to call the synagogue (818-880-4880) to talk to me. When you call, please let them know it is about a suicide and that this is very important.

Finally, allow me to offer a few pieces of information to help you in the future. When the time is right, you might want to discuss this with your child.

Some Statistics and Facts Concerning YOUTH Suicide:

  • Suicide is the third-leading cause of death among young adults ages 15-24 years, following only AIDS and accidents.
  • Among college students, suicide is the second-leading cause of death.
  • Girls are 3 times more likely to ATTEMPT suicide, but boys are 5 times more likely to COMPLETE suicide. Alcohol and/or drugs are involved in 50% of adolescent suicides. Guns and overdoses are two frequently used methods. Out of every 10 suicide attempts, 9 take place in the home.
  • Recent studies indicate that nationwide more than half a million high school students attempt suicide every year.
  • Over 90% of all suicidal adolescents talk to others about their suicidal feelings. They do NOT, however, always talk to their parents, teachers, or counselors but instead talk to their FRIENDS.

Six Warning Signs
Depression and anxiety are the strongest precursors of suicide. Here are some common warning signs:

  1. Direct statements such as “I want to die” or “I don’t want to live anymore”
  2. Indirect statements such as “I want to go to sleep and never wake up” or “They’ll be sorry when I’m gone” or “Soon this pain will be over”
  3. Making final arrangements (giving away possessions, saying good-bye, etc.)
  4. Increased risk taking (reckless driving, etc.) and frequent accidents
  5. Personality changes, withdrawal, apathy, moodiness
  6. Themes of death and dying in a person’s writing and artwork

Seven Things to Do: When You Suspect Suicidal Feelings: How You Can Help

  1. Direct questions about suicidal feelings do not provoke suicidal behavior.
  2. When asking about suicidal feelings, find out if the person has decided how to commit suicide. The person who wants to commit suicide, who has figured out how to go about it, and who has the means to do it is in the greatest danger.
  3. Whether a suicidal person plans to succeed or is using the threat of suicide to get attention does not matter. That person needs the same help.
  4. Having made the decision to die, the suicidal person may seem very calm. That individual is still in great danger.
  5. If someone shares a suicidal intent with you, take it seriously and contact an appropriate counselor, clergyperson, parent or other responsible adult—even if it means breaking a confidence and losing a friend.
  6. If you suspect someone is going to commit suicide, don’t leave them alone.
  7. The paperback book When Living Hurts by Sol Gordon, available from the URJ Press, does an incredible job helping teens deal with depression and difficult feelings. Purchase a copy for your teen now.

Lastly, our thoughts and prayers go out to the man’s family, his students, co-workers and the community. May they find the strength and fortitude to weather the difficult days and months ahead.