Category: blog archive

Rebecca’s Pregnancy Problems: Finding a Way Through the Pain

As we read in the Torah (Toledot, Genesis 25) about Rebecca’s pregnancy problems and the pain it brings to her life, I recall a sermon I gave during one of my first years as a rabbi. Talking about infertility brought forth a whole series of emotions: those who were dealing with it and were pleased to have their rabbi recognize it; those dealing with it who we pained to have to face their pain; those with kids who did not understand what was the big deal; those who thought the issue had no place as discussion on the High Holy Days.

I learned a great deal from that sermon: about contextualizing such issues, particularly about those that touch only a specific group – so that larger messages of healing and caring come through. Nonetheless, I remain aware that infertility is one of the most painful of issues we face.

Rabbi Natan Fenner, of the Bay Area Jewish Healing Center, offers this touching drash on Rebecca’s infertility this week’s parasha:

In the unfolding narrative of the first Israelite family, Rebecca and Isaac experience a period of infertility, followed by a difficult pregnancy. In the depths of her pain and fear, Rebecca cries out, voicing profound uncertainty and existential doubt (see Genesis 25:22). She is given to understand that she is carrying twins with vastly different personalities, struggling even in her womb and destined to part ways from their earliest days. Thus is the stage set for a life of conflict and irreconcilable differences between sons Jacob and Esau, which Rebecca will witness and try to manage as a mother.

Where can one turn when in the midst of overwhelming or long-term suffering? When facing a persistent family conflict; a chronic and painful condition; a seemingly bottomless or endless personal trial? Reflect on your experience, or with a conversation partner: In such circumstances, when the pull toward despair may be strong, what allows us to tolerate the pain and fear, to endure with some sense of hope?

Rebecca’s prayers to God are answered not with an immediate end to the painful experiences of her pregnancy, but she emerges with some clarity about what is happening (she is carrying twins); with the knowledge that some element of her suffering (the intense internal ferment preceding the boys’ birth) is finite; and with the assurance that God is aware of her condition and is in some way accompanying her in this journey (in the promise of the “two nations” that would ultimately flourish from out of her womb). While the text does not state it explicitly, we are left to infer that Rebecca finds a renewed sense of purpose and determination both during the remainder of her pregnancy and beyond.

Whether we cry out in the depths of our hearts, to God, to a trusted confidante, or out into the Universe, we are following in Rebecca’s footsteps. And when we have understanding companionship in response, we may be soothed, or strengthened, even as our underlying condition remains deeply challenging. Realizing that we are in motion, if only in our
yearning or in the expressions of our grief, can counterbalance a sense of stagnation or being stuck in an interminable state. Similarly, having a sense of direction for “afterward”, or having some confidence that aspects of our situation will eventually improve—even having the mental and spiritual space to allow for that possibility—can similarly bolster us as we “hang in there”.

Take note also: in response to the spiritual dimension of Rebecca’s plea for help and understanding, she connects with a new contextual frame and a part of life that transcends this moment of anguish. Like Hagar and Sarah before her, and like countless generations that follow, Rebecca finds strength in a vision of her place in the flow of life as she reconnects with the Divine and with a larger future.

May we, too, in our times of deepest fear and existential questioning, our wearying seasons of bleak horizons, our moments without apparent comfort, find ways to cry out and to direct our pleas where there might be a compassionate ear, an understanding heart, a spiritual perspective, or a Divine embrace; and may all who wrestle with despair receive the strength and support to endure and reach a place of greater fullness and blessing.

Bush Does the Right Thing for Darfur!


Wall Street Journal carried an opinion piece entitled, Bush Does the Right Thing for Darfur: A critic praises the president’s stand on war criminals and international law. In it, Kenneth Roth, executive director of Human Rights Watch, writes:

Human Rights Watch rarely lauds the Bush administration. But when it comes to supporting international efforts to prosecute Sudanese leaders for their slaughter in Darfur, the administration so far has it right. The International Criminal Court’s prosecutor is seeking an arrest warrant for Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir for genocide, war crimes and crimes against humanity for the atrocities he allegedly directed in Darfur. Sudan’s government is trying to convince the United Nations Security Council to suspend the prosecution. On the one hand, Khartoum has launched a charm offensive, announcing on Nov. 12 yet another cease-fire and peace initiative. On the other hand, it is subtly threatening violence against civilians, peacekeepers and humanitarian workers should prosecution proceed. Backing Sudan are Libya and China, as well as South Africa — whose concept of African solidarity tends to favor African persecutors over their African victims. Surprisingly, the toughest governmental defender of the proposed indictment is the Bush administration…

Read on.

A Thanksgiving Seder for Families with Small Children

One of my favorite bloggers, Ima On (and off) the Bimah, offers this posting for Thanksgiving:

A few years ago, our family started to do a Thanksgiving Seder, a retake on the Passover Seder. Much like Passover, this is a holiday whose primary ritual centers on a meal. There isn’t, however, a set liturgy for the Thanksgiving meal…and that’s where I come in. I’ve made some changes and additions to the Seder my family has used for a number of years. My own kids are, as you know, pretty young, so I’ve decided to create 2 different documents. The first is here today, for your viewing and downloading pleasure, for families with small children. Hopefully I will have the second soon, with more readings and opportunities for discussion with a more mature crowd.

Take a look at her Thanksgiving Seder (or Haggadah) here.

Check back in later for my eLearning Newsletter on Making Thanksgiving Meaningful.

Is Obama’s Mideast Peace Platform Coming into Focus?

Haaretz is reporting that

Eight weeks before Barack Obama is sworn into office, signs have emerged over the weekend that point to what is turning out to be the new administration’s plan to resolve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

We read that:

Despite the attention being paid to Clinton, no less important is the move made two days ago by Scowcroft and the man who succeeded him in office as national security adviser to Jimmy Carter, Zbigniew Brzezinski. In an op-ed piece penned for the Washington Post, Scowcroft (whom John McCain considered naming as a special envoy to the Middle East) and Brzezinski (who was close to Obama during the initial stages of his candidacy for president) offered a kind of first draft of “The Obama Plan.”

The former NSA chiefs – who represent a wide, bipartisan consensus by dint of their service to Democratic and Republican presidents – praise President Bush’s peace efforts over the last year and call upon Obama to lend “priority attention” to the Israeli-Arab peace process. Even though they do not name names, one can clearly notice an effort to influence on the election results in Israel so as to favor moderate candidates – Tzipi Livni and Ehud Barak – over Benjamin Netanyahu.

  • The crux of their plan to solve the conflict centers on four principles which they believe Obama ought to adopt and publicly declare as policy:
  • An Israeli withdrawal to the 1967 lines, with slight alterations that are to be mutually agreed upon.
  • Compensation for Palestinian refugees in lieu of exercising the right of return to pre-1948 Israel.
  • Jerusalem as a “real home” to two capitals.
  • A demilitarized Palestinian state.

Very interesting conversations going on!

Recovering Addicts are Our Teachers

Choose Life That You Should Live:

Recovering Addicts are Our Teachers

By Lydia Bloom Medwin
Former Rabbinic/Education Intern (pictured at left)
Congregation Or Ami, Calabasas, CA

“Acquire for yourself a teacher…” This passage from the Mishnah encourages us to seek out those more knowledgeable than ourselves and to become their students. After meeting with four Or Ami congregants, each recovering from alcoholism or an addiction in one form or another, I have found for myself some wonderful teachers.

During the past month, I met with three alcoholics or addicts and one spouse of an addict. Each had a unique history with their own addiction – the first time she drank, the transformation of his alcoholism into a heroine addiction, her sifting through the credit card bills to find her husband’s unknown charges – yet all four had so much in common. The most important commonality emerged in discussions around a twelve-step program. Each day they surrender their lives and their will to God – their lives depend on it.

My teachers are some of the most spiritually centered people that I have ever met. They have all developed close relationships with God, however they define their Higher Power. They know that when the world becomes overwhelming or when something makes them fuming mad, there is only one solution: give it over to God. These moments of prayer and meditation, both spontaneously spoken and ritually observed, anchor them in the truth on which their lives depend. This truth is comprised of the first three steps in a twelve-step program: 1. I can’t do it. 2. God can. 3. I think I’ll let Him.

But these are only the first few steps on the journey toward recovery. Even in recovery, the addict (and even the spouse of an addict) can find that he or she becomes consumed by the fear and pain that pushed him or her towards addiction in the first place. They are forced to learn completely new ways of dealing with their problems, because they cannot turn to the bottle or the pills or whatever addiction used to dull their pain. They know that if they ignore these fears, the disease of addiction can progress on. If the alcoholic stops drinking but does not deal with his or her fears, the addiction continues to intensify. When the addict returns to the addictive substance, the abuse of that substance is far more serious, as if they had been drinking and getting progressively worse during the entire period of sobriety. Talking about their fear and pain is just as much a part of recovery as abstaining from the substance itself.

My teachers taught me that they can only find the power to face their fears by constantly refocusing on “giving over one’s problems to God.” This is the only path that can lead to recovery and healing. I was amazed by the incredible strength they evidenced as they moved from addiction to recovery. Imagine truly believing that “I will not survive unless I continually remind myself that I must give my life over to God.” Would you have the strength to surrender to your Higher Power? But it is only this surrender that helps the alcoholic/addict choose to abstain from using. In the Torah, we are commanded to choose life that we may live. An alcoholic actually chooses life every day.

“Only a drunk can help another drunk.” This quote from the movie The Story of Bill W. completely baffled me when I first heard it. How could two people with such a disease help one another get sober? What does this mean for me, a rabbinic/education intern who wanted to be of service to the recovering alcoholics in our congregation? Once we realize that the only way to stop the addictive behavior is to continually find fellowship with others who understand, we can embrace the truth: No one can understand the internal life of an alcoholic like another alcoholic. No matter how much the person’s loved ones care and want to help, only a community of people who have the same disease can speak the language with and feel the empathy for the alcoholic or addicted person.

It was this seemingly simple discovery that led Bill Wilson, an alcoholic himself, to develop the first twelve-step program, a system of recovery, lifetime support, and anonymity for people with addictions of all kinds. It remains the only known way of helping people who struggle with addiction. Presently, there are over two thousand Alcoholics Anonymous and other addiction recovery meetings each week in the greater Los Angeles area, including many in the West San Fernando and Conejo Valleys. AA has a rich, proud, and private history; its members are protective of their meetings and the organization because of its incredible healing power in their lives.

As a rabbinic intern, I thought that through these discussions, I would be able to better to talk to the Jewish alcoholics or addicts that exist in every Jewish community. I learned instead that it was my role to listen: to their stories of pain, of hitting rock bottom, of survival. Then it was my responsibility to educate others about the disease of addiction and to the program of recovery, about the ones who don’t make it and the ones who do, and the ones who thrive despite all of the odds against them. I would like to thank those people who shared their experiences and their lives so openly with me for the sake of our communal learning. I deeply respect their incredible journeys. It also means a lot to me on a professional level, as their stories will certainly inform my rabbinate for years to come. You are four really great teachers. One of you said to me, “In seeking God, I find relief.” I pray that you all find many moments of relief.

We can all learn from the addicts in our lives and in our community. They have so much to teach us in terms of hope, personal change, strength, and spirituality. Or Ami is a place that strives to better understand addiction and the Twelve Step program. We are a place to come for understanding, acceptance, and spiritual support. We welcome all those struggling with these issues to contact Rabbi Paul Kipnes (rabbipaul@orami.org) or Rabbinic Intern Sara Mason-Barkin (Sara@orami.org) for support or Jewish resources regarding addiction and recovery.

Eulogizing a Woman who Saved our People

This week we eulogize our matriarch Sarah. In this week’s Torah portion (Genesis 23:1ff), called Chaye Sarah (the life of Sarah), we read about the death of Sarah at 127 years old. Who was this woman who, as we say at every Jewish wedding, “helped build up the household of Israel”? Who was this partner with Abraham, about whom the Zohar (Jewish mystical text) says that Sarah’s agreement to go on the journey of Lech Lecha was necessary before Abraham could venture forth?

For her eulogy, let me read a passage from a page from Sarah’s (imagined) diary. Here she reflects back on what really happened behind the scenes during the incident known as the Akedah (the binding of Isaac):

I was still awake, lying quietly in our tent. Long before, Abraham had fallen asleep beside me. Ah, a moment of quiet amidst the frenetic activity of desert life. My mind began drifting, back to my favorite recollection, that of a fateful day some years back… I remembered the three men who had come to announce my imminent pregnancy with Isaac. Pregnant, after so many years? I actually laughed at them in disbelief until God reassured me it was true. God couldn’t have given me any greater happiness than all I have gleaned from my Isaac.

And then it happened. Abraham began stirring, and with a sudden jerk, he sat up and called out, “Hineni, Here I am.” He was talking to God. He walked out to stand beneath the stars near the camp’s altar. So I leaned forward trying to share in this latest revelation, as I had with so many others.

At first what I heard made little sense. Though I could only hear Abraham’s responses, I understood that God requested something involving our son Isaac. Abraham’s usually strong, even voice was filled with shock, then anger, and finally acceptance. I was intrigued, and sat silently to hear more.

I started listening more intently. For a moment I thought I heard the word “sacrifice,” but I had to be mistaken. As Abraham spoke again, his words came as a choking sob from deep within his throat. My body started to shake with horror. This was a nightmare! The Eternal One could not have requested that my husband sacrifice our only son Isaac. I was simultaneously incensed and terrified. God had given us Isaac. Why would God take this special gift from me now? And without even speaking to me directly! No, I must have misunderstood.

I pretended to be asleep as my husband returned to the tent. Through cracked eyelids, I watched him. I had never seen him so overcome with sadness, not even when we were commanded to leave the land where we were born, or on that awful day Sodom was destroyed. But I could see in his face that I had not been mistaken. He truly believed that God wanted him to sacrifice our son.

I wanted to hold Abraham in my arms, to cry with him, to help him rethink what God had said, to convince him to speak to God, but his eyes were distant and I was scared. I had been excluded from hearing God’s voice and for the first time I felt powerless to involve myself in what had passed between Abraham and God. For a moment I wondered if this strange command was my punishment. Had I done something so evil to deserve the loss of my only son? One thing I knew. I would give up my life before I would let Isaac be harmed.

Lying in the dark, I was so tied up in knots that I could not cry. Abraham did not even try to wake me. Instead he had fallen into a restless sleep, as if struggling with an unseen demon. I could not bear to lie beside him any longer. I needed to escape. I needed to think. I could not believe that this God of goodness who created the world and who had given us Isaac would now take him away.

I started walking aimlessly, until I approached the camp’s altar where Abraham’s special knife leaned against one side. I began to tremble as I thought of the knife sliding against Isaac’s throat. I remembered all the sacrifices I had witnessed over the years, sacrifices that served as a sign of our commitment to and appreciation for God’s protection and guidance. Could God be looking for that kind of sign? Why would God suddenly seek reassurance of our commitment? Why now, and why involve Isaac? All these questions suddenly merged into one: if Abraham was so committed to obeying God’s command, did my concern matter at all?

I asked myself, “What did God expect of us?” I remembered God’s promise that our offspring would inherit this land and become a great nation. It had been many years since I thought about that promise. I had always assumed that Isaac and his future bride would follow in our footsteps as the heads of tribe, but I never considered just how he would inherit our commitment to serving God. Abraham and I were not getting any younger. If we were to pass on the Covenant to our son, it would have to be soon. Perhaps God’s discussion with Abraham was the sign that the time had arrived.

My heart began to pound. The future of our values depended upon our actions now. What better way for us to pass on that commitment than for the three of us to journey together, to meet God on a mountaintop, and to begin the transition of leadership to the next generation! God commanded a sacrifice so that Abraham and I could prepare ourselves to relinquish the leadership of the people, and Isaac could begin to assume this sacred duty. Abraham misunderstood God’s message. God did not want Isaac as a sacrifice. A sacrifice of the finest of our flocks was called for, not of our children. I now knew what I had to do. I had to prevent a nonsensical death, and ensure the perpetuation of our covenant with God.

I now understood that God wanted me to follow Abraham and Isaac to help them. Yet I wanted to allow Abraham the chance to figure out God’s intentions for himself. So I went back to bed and waited patiently for morning.

Abraham got up early, gathered his supplies, and announced that he was going off with Isaac. He did not explain why. As soon as he was out of sight, I prepared for my own journey. With my own supplies, I also took along the finest ram in camp. I was careful to stay out of sight on the opposite the side of the mountains. On the third day, before they woke up, I knew my time had come. I hiked up the side of the mountain, ram in tow. When I could no longer catch my breath, I released the ram and shooed it up the slope. As I watched it run up to the heights where I knew Abraham and Isaac would find it, I relaxed. Content at having ensured the survival of our people, I lay down in the grass and drifted into a peaceful sleep.

[Adapted by Rabbi Paul Kipnes and Michelle November. This midrash was adapted from a modern midrash written by Faith Rogow, which appears in Taking the Fruit, Modern Women’s Tales of the Bible (San Diego: Woman’s Institute for Continuing Jewish Education, pp. 51-56). It answers two questions: Where was Sarah during the Akedah? AND Where did the ram – sacrificed in Isaac’s place – come from?

An Ethical Will for My Children

Some years ago, I wrote this ethical will for my children. With a few adjustments, I shared it with the congregation as a High Holy Day sermon. I still stand by these values.

As Congregation Or Ami’s New Dimensions (activities for adults only) prepares for a seminar on Writing an Ethical Will (Monday, November 17, 2008 at , I went back to my Ethical Will to see what I wrote. I still like it:

On Aaron’s Advice: An Ethical Will for My Children
Rabbi Paul J. Kipnes, Congregation Or Ami, Calabasas, CA
Rosh Hashana 5763 / September 2002

When Becky asked me to officiate at a minyan after her father Aaron’s funeral, I stepped forward without question. Friends help friends. It was only as I stood there, for two nights, before our extended group of friends, before Becky, that I realized the daunting task of trying to find words of wisdom to comfort someone whom I considered more a family member than a friend. Doctors do not operate on their loved ones; rabbis probably should not officiate for family members either. It is just too close.

But there we were. We prayed the prayers, moving forward without comment. Becky seemed to take strength from the regularity of the ritual and comfort from the companionship of the community surrounding her. I worried about what to say to bring uplift to her heart, solace to her soul. I was saved, however, by none other than Aaron himself – yes, the deceased. Before heart surgery ten years earlier, being well aware that “you can never be sure when the end will come,” Aaron, wrote an ethical will to make sure that his ideals would survive. A short, two-page letter to his loved ones, the ethical will bequeaths to them the values he holds most dear. As the letter was read aloud, Aaron himself comforted his daughter and his grandchildren, and led us all with wisdom and humility to a meaningful moment of kedusha, of holiness.

A few weeks later, emboldened by Aaron’s example, I sat down to write. You don’t need 10 years as a rabbi officiating at funerals to know that all it takes is some freak accident, unexpected disease or, however unlikely, some terrorist action to end your life prematurely. So I accepted for myself Aaron’s implicit invitation to impart words of comfort and wisdom to those who would survive me. I will share now but a few of the words I have written down in an ethical will to my family. Should I live to watch my three children mature, make their way in the world, and create their own lives and family, I hope to have passed on these values both in name and by example. But if not, God-forbid, I want them, and you, to know what is in my heart as you all continue to live your lives. With the High Holy Days upon us, this just might be the most important sermon I write this year.

To My Beloved Children:

We live in a world in which celebrity seems more important than what good you have accomplished. Where America’s leading businesses and business watchdogs lied to thousands of investors who counted on their honesty to plan for their future. … Where anti-Semitism – unadulterated hate – has raised its head in Europe, endangering our people yet again. … Where the bravado, self-interest and violence of the Palestinian leadership destroyed our realistic heartfelt offers to end the Mideast conflict. These are frightening times for our people, for all people.

With so many spurious values abound, I find myself contemplating the awesome responsibility we have to guide you in life. As you navigate the uncharted waters of life, I wonder, have we filled your life raft with a strong enough set of ethics and ideals to keep your heads above the raging waters?

The key, it seems, is to remember that you have all you need to bring goodness to yourself and into the world. Do not allow yourself to be limited by others, whether because of your gender… or your religion, race, orientation or age. These provide you with unique tools with which to navigate our world. You can do anything you put your mind to, anything you truly wish to accomplish. By the way, that is the central lesson of the modern Bar and Bat Mitzvah. Having completed an arduous, complex task, you will have learned that nothing is too difficult or beyond your reach.

When each of you was born, we celebrated with a Jewish ceremony. Surrounded by family and friends, and delicious desserts baked by PaPa and LaLa, we shepped nachas, shared the joy. At its most basic level, these ceremonies proclaimed that you were Jews and that we intended to bring you up as Jews. More significantly, it taught, even before you could understand it, that you are inheritors of a sacred tradition. As you grow, immerse yourself in our Jewish values and become our ideal, an Or LaGoyim, a light unto the nations.

My children, you are part of Am bachor, a chosen people. Not necessarily better than others. Merely chosen for a special responsibility. You are chosen to receive Torah values and effectuate them in our world. To help you understand this, we have prioritized our lives around enabling you to gain a strong Jewish education, learning the teachings of Torah. Torah encompasses all that is good and worthy. Hafach ba v’hafach ba d’chula ba – turn it and turn it, everything is in Torah: our stories and traditions, rituals and ceremonies, ethics and values. Taken together, Torah goads us into making our special contribution to this world.

Of course, the pursuit of wisdom begins with Torah, but should not conclude with Jewish learning alone (although your ability to evaluate the world will be severely limited without it). As Am hasefer, the People of the Book, we value secular scholarship too, for its own sake and as the key to our survival. Complete your studies with vigor; pursue college and advance degrees thereafter. Jewish knowledge and secular studies, combine these and you will be able to more easily pursue your dreams. It is a marriage made in heaven.

Speaking of marriage, back in ancient days, I would have had the privilege of picking out your spouse. Today, thankfully, you choose your own. Allow me to share with you what I have learned about love and marriage. Look not to movies or Madison Avenue advertisements for guidance in your search for a soul mate. Look, rather, for a partner who loves you, who helps you realize your fullest potential, with whom you feel enabled to expand your horizons. And find someone who has a commitment to Jewish life. With them you will share a heritage, and an ethical and spiritual encoding that was programmed into you at the moment of conception, nourished within you from the time you nursed at your mother’s breast. With such a partner, your life will be easier and, I believe, fuller. Yet whomever you choose, Jew or non-Jew, a male or a female, know that we will love you and your partner, and will try to support the life you build together.

I have learned that marriage takes as much if not more work than whatever you get paid to do, but the rewards of these efforts far exceed the paycheck you bring home. Continue to date your partner throughout your life. Make your time with him or her a priority, even when you have children, and share the responsibilities equally. That sage Dear Abby wrote, infatuation is to marriage like fireworks are to fireflies. Though infatuation (even lust) will light up your skies with an overwhelming display of light and noise, a mature, strong marriage – like a firefly – will provide you with a beacon of light to guide you home after a long lonely day in the world. And that, the beacon of light shining forth from my wife’s love, is what keeps me sane in our crazy world.

Mishpacha, your family needs to be a high priority. Mom and I made decisions about where we wanted to live based on our desire to raise you in proximity to your grandparents. Yes, family has the ability to push your buttons like no other, but they also have the ability to accept you and love you unconditionally. Find a way to love your family and they will sustain you through the most challenging of times. Let yourself be separated from them when you are adults, and the tragedy of separation will be passed on as a model for your children as they develop their familial relationships. So call your adult siblings regularly and your parents even more. Throughout your life, make Shalom Bayit, peace in the home, one of your goals, and you will find unparalleled strength as you to venture out into the world.

About work, I have learned this: Find a career path that will allow you to bring goodness into our world. Making money for money’s sake, or even just to support your family, will slowly consume your soul. At the end of the day, you will not sustain yourself without seeking a greater good because the sole pursuit of money and material things is unending. And by the way, don’t try to keep up with the Jones’, because you can never keep up with the Jones’, because there will always be more Jones’ who always will have more.

Be ethical in all that you do – especially at work. Not because otherwise you will get caught – which ultimately you will. Rather, be ethical because it is the right thing to do. Always remember that Hebrew National hotdog commercial. It says it all. You are “responsible to a Higher Authority.”

As you prioritize your time, seek out a synagogue that speaks to your heart. Help it fulfill its mission to educate Jews and to respond Henaynu, that we are here to support each other. Attend services frequently. They will heal and uplift your soul in ways that you will recognize only after you have expended the energy to show up. Al tifros min hatzibur, do not separate yourself from the community, since within community, can we best feel God’s loving Presence.

Pray for the peace of Jerusalem. Sha’alu Shalom Lirushalayim. Nowhere is the need for shalom more clear and yet often more difficult than in relationship with the State of Israel. But Kol yisrael areivim zeh bazeh – all Jews are responsible for each other. As you know, I am drawn to Israel even now, when most people are staying away. I have traveled there in both good and in difficult times. And I will again. Ahavat Yisrael, the love of Israel that courses through my veins, calls me to stand on her soil and to speak with her people, even at times that others deem dangerous. Just as I cannot imagine a world without you, neither can I imagine a world without Israel. As such, we all must wrap our arms around this tired little nation, comfort and support her, and tell her that Od yavo shalom, peace one day will come.

We can discern in our hearts a special love for Israel as we learn about her past and her present and as we visit her unique, precious places. As this love and connection grows – even before it fully matures – we need to support Israel with our time, energy and money; and dedicate ourselves to her wellbeing b’chol l’vavcha uv’chol nafshecha uv’chol m’odecha – with all our heart, soul and might. That too is part of the purpose for which God placed us on this earth.

You know that I have been studying Talmud with my colleagues. I recently studied the Talmud’s short list of six responsibilities of a parent to his or her children. Curiously, number six was “teach your children to swim.” Why swimming of all things? Did the rabbis witness their own set of tragedies and understand the simplicity of prevention? I wonder if they recognized the poignant symbolism inherent in swimming: that on occasion we all will be thrown into waters over our heads and we need the skills to keep ourselves afloat. In teaching you to swim, we endeavor to provide instruction in more than just the physical act of treading water and self-propulsion. We confirm that within each of us are many diverse tools – physical, emotional, spiritual – to help us navigate the currents of life. We have taught you the power of seeking out others for help and the wisdom of listening closely to their advice and counsel. I hope we have taught you that turning to others for support – friends and school counselors, rabbis and therapists – is the mark of courage and strength, not of weakness or shame. So seek out help when you need it.

Life, you may be learning, is filled with mysteries. The greatest perhaps is why God placed us upon this earth. Recently, I have discovered a hint of that ultimate purpose. Embedded in Torah, in a portion we read every Yom Kippur, are the words: Kedoshim tihiyu ki kadosh Ani Adonai Eloheichem – you are holy because I, the Eternal your God am holy. Life, I believe, is supposed to be about Kedusha, holiness, about those significant yet indescribable moments of inspirational uplift that result from right-minded actions and intentions. Holiness, like spirituality, is not just a state of being; it is a manner of acting within the world by being compassionate, pursuing justice and seeking truth. When we do this right, our actions reflect shutaf Adonai, a partnership with God.

Well, these are the values I cherish. Values which carried me through the dark days of years gone by. I hope they carry you through too. I wrote these down, on Aaron’s advice, as a way to guide and comfort you in the years ahead. Perhaps one day soon you too will follow Aaron’s example and write down your ethical will. It truly is a holy task.

For now, mine kinderlach – my children and the children of my Torah teaching – honor my memory, and your family’s memory, and the tradition passed down midor lador, from generation to generation since the time of Moses, by being holy, by being kadosh. I know you are… May you know you are…

I love you. Love, Daddy.

Visit with Colleagues: Or Ami Shined

Our Jewish community is so richly varied, and we sometimes forget that some of the best ideas around can be borrowed from creative people in other parts of our community. I had lunch today with two fantastic rabbis. They were asking so much about Or Ami’s use of the electronic media. It was fascinating.

Learn more at here.

My Take on California’s Prop 8

Some years ago, I wrote an article for our Divray Or Ami supporting Marriage Equality. In it, I argued that

We, the people who recall the words of our sacred Scriptures – You shall not oppress a stranger, for you know the feelings of a stranger, having yourselves been strangers in the land of Egypt (Exodus 23:9) – seek to do justice. We, people of faith who try to love mercy, defend vigorously the dignity of every human being, consistent with the principle that each of us is created in the Divine image (Genesis 1:27). While we respect those who may be single, we uphold the values of marriage and family. Marriage, imbued with the values of exclusivity, permanence, intimate companionship, and love, provides fulfillment for each partner and adds to the common good of the community. Thus, in an attempt to walk humbly with our God, we affirm that every human being has an absolute right to such fulfillment, and that the loving, committed relationships of same-sex couples have the same potential for kedusha (holiness) as those of heterosexual couples. Read more.

Huge numbers of religious leaders from all faiths signed onto an AN OPEN LETTER TO RELIGIOUS LEADERS ON MARRIAGE EQUALITY.

A majority of California Rabbis have signed a letter opposing Proposition 8. Why? Watch this video.

In line with our Jewish tradition that recognizes that everyone was born b’tzelem Elohim (in God’s image), we work to ensure that gay and lesbian couples do not face discrimination by laws which forbid marriage equality.

Rabbi Sharon Brous on Religulous: “Defying Despair: Why I Believe”

Have you seen the movie Religulous by Bill Maher? My colleague Rabbi Sharon Brous of Ikar (a social activist, highly spiritual, conservative-ish synagogue community) responded to Maher’s movie on Kol Nidre. She said:

I recently heard Bill Maher speak about his new film, Religulous (a made up word that combines religion and ridiculous), which offers a blistering attack on religion and the religious life. He argues that faith necessarily means a lack of critical thinking, that “to be religious at all is to be an extremist, [because] it is to be extremely irrational.” I understand his critique of religion. I understand the problems inherent in the notion of an all-powerful God in a world of brokenness and pain, of poverty and disease. I understand the damage that religious faith has wrought, the bigotry, close-mindedness and narrowness that is so closely identified with religious communities and ideology. I understand why smart, discerning people might reject religion so fiercely.

Later Rabbi Brous, acknowledging that there were plenty who misused religion for their own abusive purposes, says, nevertheless:

So here’s what I — a person of faith, an Exodus Jew — say to Bill Maher: Guess what? The God you mock is not my God. My God does not tell people to blow up buildings, oppress women, or even build gas pipelines. My God tells us to treat all people with dignity and love. My God does not advocate for the war in Iraq, or any other brutal conflict that separates people from their loved ones and treats human beings like “collateral damage.” No, the God I love demands that we pursue every possible path toward peace. My God does not make children sick, but gives them and their parents comfort and strength as they struggle with illness. Belief in my God does not free human beings to defer responsibility, it demands of us that we take responsibility. As the great Rev. William Sloane Coffin:

“It’s clear to me… that almost every square inch of the Earth’s surface is soaked with the tears and blood of the innocent, [but] it is not God’s doing. It’s our doing. That’s human malpractice. Don’t chalk it up to God. Every time people… lift their eyes to heaven and say, ‘God, how could you let this happen?’ it’s well to remember that exactly at that moment God is asking exactly the same question of us: ‘How could you let this happen?’ So [we] have to take responsibility.”

That most of the terrible heartache in the world is perpetrated by people — and often people who cloak themselves in religion — is a great travesty and a bruise on our shared humanity. But that is no reason not to believe. It is, rather, a reason to challenge, to reinvent. To search deeply within our traditions for the ikar, the sacred essence that is truly at the heart of our faith that compels us to engage one another not with condescension and brutality, but with respect and compassion.

Read Rabbi Sharon Brous’ complete Yom Kippur Kol Nidre sermon here. And thanks to Rabbi Eric Berk for bringing this wonderful sermon to my attention.

During Economic Crisis, a Sukkot Lesson of Hope

My colleague, Rabbi Aliza Berk of the Bay Area Healing Center, poignantly illuminates the lessons that the festival of Sukkot bring to bear on the fragility we all are feeling during this economic crisis and recession:

Now we are celebrating the Fall harvest and pilgrimage festival of Sukkot; and the focus of the holiday shifts from the synagogue to the home. Sukkot is also known as zeman simhataynu, the festival of our rejoicing. It is a time to count our blessings. Sukkot comes to teach us to appreciate what we have and to hold our loved ones close. A sukkah is a temporary hut with a leafy roof used for Sukkot holiday meals, similar to the huts built during harvest season in ancient times. The sukkah reminds us of the delicate spiritual balance between recognizing our fragility and vulnerability and feeling sheltered by God’s presence. This is a time to reach out to those who need us and are in pain and aching from the battles of life.

This last year, our country has experienced devastating wildfires, hurricanes, floods, and a major financial crisis. Many of us wonder how we can rejoice when our hearts are heavy, filled with fear about our future. During times of anxiety and fear, our rabbis remind us to focus on the words of prayer. One prayer that I always find very moving includes the words, “Ufros aleinu sukkat shelomeha” – “spread over us your sukkah of peace.” When I read these words, I feel a sense of calm and serenity. I imagine God’s loving embrace promising me shelter and protection from life’s challenges. I try to focus on the present moment and appreciate the gift of sitting in a fragile hut beneath a star-filled sky. Each of us can feel a sense of joy that in this moment life feels safe. Samson Raphael Hirsch taught that whether people “live in palaces or huts, it is only as pilgrims that they dwell, both huts and palaces form our transitory home. In this pilgrimage, only God is our protector and it is God’s grace which shields us.”

Why is the sukkah associated with peace and unity? There is a Hasidic teaching that observing the mitzvah of Sukkot draws down to this world a transcendent spiritual light. This divine light erases the differences between people and fills the world with an awareness of how we are all connected and we are all one.

On this festival of Sukkot, may we take stock of our lives, our homes, and the ways we organize our lives, and express our gratitude to the ultimate Source of our protection. May the Holy One of Blessing help us learn to fill our lives with acts of lovingkindness and look up in gratitude to the One upon which the sukkah of our life is based. May this be a zeman simhataynu, a time of joy, hope, faith and personal renewal.

© Bay Area Jewish Healing Center, Rabbi Aliza Berk

For more Bay Area Healing Center Torah commentaries, click here.

So Little Time Remaining to Soften a Child’s Traumatic Experience

Somehow Or Ami became invested in the sacred work of helping foster kids. It happened slowly. A project here, a program there. Suddenly our calendar was filled with activities aimed at helping care for children who, removed from their homes to escape neglect or abuse, would really appreciate the support of people with extra love to share.

How Foster Kids Entered our Congregational Radar

Our Torah teaches “You shall not ill-treat any widow or orphan. If you do mistreat them, I will heed their outcry as soon as they cry out to Me” (Exodus 23: 21-22). Like the commandment in the previous verse, “You shall not wrong a stranger or oppress him, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt” (Ex. 23:20), these three categories of people – orphan, widow, stranger – are easily ignored. They have no power. They have no natural advocates.

Yet, God and Torah remind us, as Rabbi Philip Cohen teaches, that they are not anonymous, identity-less Others for whom we have no responsibility, but rather a fully enfranchised human beings, created b’tzelem Elohim (in God’s image) endowed with the same attributes of those of our own group and nation and therefore deserving of the same humane treatment. The stranger becomes a stranger by title only. The orphan becomes an orphan only by title. Because we are commanded to allow them the real human identity he or she possesses by virtue of, well, by virtue of being human.

Yet, God and Torah remind us, as Rabbi Philip Cohen teaches, that they are not anonymous, identity-less Others for whom we have no responsibility, but rather a fully enfranchised human beings, created b’tzelem Elohim (in God’s image) endowed with the same attributes of those of our own group and nation and therefore deserving of the same humane treatment. The stranger becomes a stranger by title only. The orphan becomes an orphan only by title. Because we are commanded to allow them the real human identity he or she possesses by virtue of, well, by virtue of being human.

Unique Relationships Lead to Special Caring

Through a unique relationship with the Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS), fostered over the years by Laurie Tragen-Boykoff, Susan Gould, Debbie Echt-Moxness, Shari Gillis and others, Congregation Or Ami maintains a deep commitment to another category of faceless, nameless, powerless people, our community’s foster children. For years, our members have adopted DCFS Child Abuse Caseworkers and sponsored the children in their caseloads. The Adopt a Child Abuse Caseworker (ACAC) program pairs congregants with foster children for birthday celebrations and back to school preparations. Twice annually we participate in the annual Child-Spree programs – Back to School Childspree in July and Holiday Childspree in December – during which we help foster care children use donated gift cards to purchase new substantially discounted clothes and school supplies. Mothers and their younger daughters team up for Prom Prep 101, a mitzvah project designed to ensure that foster girls are able to take part in their High School proms. We have held information sessions for Jewish adults to explore the possibility of becoming foster parents.

But perhaps the centerpiece of our outreach to foster care children comes during Mitzvah Day in November when we create over 400 comfort backpacks for children who, in the months to come, will be pulled from their homes to safety.

“Finally, These Kids Have Something to Call Their Own”

When children are pulled from their homes to go into emergency foster placement, they leave with the shirts on their back and little by which to remember family and friends. Most are terrified and confused. At Or Ami, we have an opportunity to change their world, on Sunday, November 2nd from 11:00 am-1:00 pm.

Join us on as we assemble bags of comfort that will greet these children (ages 5-16 years) as they unexpectedly go into emergency foster placement. Our Or Ami community has once again committed to provide more than 400 bags filled with items of comfort and necessity. On Mitzvah Day, the synagogue is transformed into an awesome assembly line for compassion and caring. We create age-appropriate comfort bags complete with pillow cases personalized with messages of hope, clothes, toiletries, games, toys, journals, and an individualized card expressing love and caring.

Recently, an Or Ami congregant and attorney with a decade of experience in Department of Children and Family Services told us that we cannot imagine the true value these comfort bags bring to individuals pulled from their homes. When these children are handed one of Or Ami’s special comfort bags, personalized with reassuring and comforting messages, they have a moment of consolation and encouragement. They have something to call their own. We hear the same response from social workers who are responsible for these children. These children need us and are counting on each member of our congregation to make something wonderful happen!

Help! We Have Only 2 Weeks to Collect Items

Because the High Holy Days were so late, we have only two short weeks to collect enough supplies to help these children. We need up to 400 each of:

* coloring books, crayons, markers
* activity books (mazes,crossword,sudoku)**
* pens, pencils
* writing journals (for teenagers)
* small photo albums (don’t forget the teens)**
* books for 15-17 year olds (used ok if in good shape)
* night lites**
* small hand-held games/toys (for teens too!)**
* toiletries (deodorant, shampoo, conditioner)
* girls’ accessories (hair clips, head bands,etc…)
* t-shirts (youth large only)
* small stuffed animals

Do you know someone who owns a business, who can donate some of these items? Do you have a neighbor or a friend whose company can help us get ahold of any of these items from someone with whom they do business?

Of course, tzedakah is needed and welcome!! Send your check, payable to Congregation Or Ami, to the temple. Write “Mitzvah Day” on the memo line. Or donate online (scroll down to Adopt a Child Abuse Caseworker Fund).

So:

Help us collect the items in the next two weeks.
Then make time to help us assemble the comfort bags.

Questions? Contact our Mitzvah Day co-chairs Laurie Tragen-Boykoff or Shari Gillis.

Six Steps of Teshuva (Turning or Repentance)

Tashlich, the ceremony at the beach in which we throw breadcrumbs to symbolically cast away our sins, is powerful symbolism. But the real work of teshuva (literally, “turning” but easily understood as cleaning up your life) is more complex and time consuming. Jewish tradition teaches that we need to engage in the process of teshuva year-round. The High Holy Days are a reminder for those procrastinators among us to get moving on this life-fixing process. This distillation of the medieval rabbi Maimonides’ Laws of Repentance can help guide all of us as we do the work we need to do. Click here to read my Six Steps to Teshuva.

Forgiveness: A Favor We Do Ourselves

A few years ago, our then Rabbinic Intern, now Rabbi Alissa Forrest, gave a sermon on Erev Rosh Hashana about forgiveness, which focused on forgiveness for particularly aggregious sins. In it, she quoted Rabbi Harold Kushner (author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People):

One year, my Yom Kippur sermon was on the theme of forgiveness. The next day, a woman came to see me, very upset about the sermon. She told me how, 10 years earlier, her husband had left her for a younger woman and she has had to raise two children by herself for the past 10 years. She asked me angrily, “And you want me to forgive him for what he did to us?”

I told her, “Yes, I want you to forgive him. Not to excuse him, not to say that what he did was acceptable, but to forgive him as a way of saying that someone who would do that has no right to live inside your head any more than he has the right to live inside your house. Why are you giving a man like that the power to turn you into a bitter, vengeful woman? He doesn’t deserve that power over you.”

Forgiveness is not a favor we do for the person who offended us. It is a favor we do for ourselves, cleansing our souls of thoughts and memories that lead us to see ourselves as victims and make our lives less enjoyable. When we understand we have little choice as to what other people do but we can always choose how we will respond to what they do, we can let go of those embittering memories and enter the New Year clean and fresh.