Category: blog archive

Bernie Madoff: The Fires Continue to Burn

And the Bernie Madoff Fires Keep Burning

Some Resources:

A friend’s colleague’s friend’s family is unfortunately amongst the many investors who were affected by Bernie Madoff’s scams. She is active in the NY Jewish community and has created a group for families affected and who need help. If you know of any one who has been affected, please refer them here.

For the Local Los Angeles situation: Check out Swindler’s List (Jewish Journal Blog)

Regarding National Jewish Victims? Check out The Fundermentalist (JTA blog)

Mankind is No Island… Shot Entirely on a Cellphone

Tropfest NY 2008 winner, “Mankind Is No Island” by Jason van Genderen

Torah teaches us to care for the stranger, the widow, the orphan, the poor… Are we doing our job? Is it enough to go serve in a shelter or food pantry on Thanksgiving or New Years?

According to the Los Angeles Coalition to End Hunger and Homelessness, there are:

  • 73,702 homeless people on any given night in Los Angeles County
  • 40,144 homeless people in the City of Los Angeles alone
  • 141,737 homeless people annually in Los Angeles County (COC)

Can you stand to look at the problem straight in the face? If so, check out these lives that need our help:

Gender

  • Approximately 59% of the homeless population is male, 24% female, and 2% transgendered[1]

Ethnicity

  • African Americans are over-represented in the homeless population, comprising over 50%, while in Los Angeles County they comprise just over 9% of the general population
  • Nearly 24% of the homeless population is Hispanic/Latino, and 19% is Caucasian

Age

  • Median age of Los Angeles COC homeless is 45 years old
  • 15% of the homeless population (10,116) are children under the age of 18

Veterans

  • 12% of homeless people are veterans.

Education

  • 41% of the homeless population have a high school diploma or GED
  • 7% have an Associate’s, Bachelor’s or higher degree

Shelter

  • 83% of the County’s homeless population is unsheltered
  • Of the 35% of homeless who tried to access a shelter, 45% of the individuals state they were turned away

Homeless Families

  • 24% of Los Angeles’ homeless are homeless families
  • 16,643 homeless individuals comprise over 6200 homeless families in Los Angeles County
  • 82% of homeless families are unsheltered

Domestic Violence

  • 20% of women reported experiencing domestic violence
  • 11% of homeless individuals stated that they were currently experiencing domestic violence

Victimization

  • 27% of homeless people report being a victim of assault since becoming homeless
  • 42% of homeless individuals report being victims of police harassment since becoming homeless

Health Care

  • 48% of homeless people use the emergency room as their primary source of health care
  • Over 53% had been to the emergency room at least once in the last 12 months
  • 22% have needed medical attention since becoming homeless but were unable to receive it

Disabilities

  • Nearly 31% of homeless survey respondents are mentally ill and almost 35% are physically disabled
  • Overall, around 74% of homeless individuals report a disabling condition

Need Affordable Housing[2]

  • Over 40% Los Angeles renters use more than 30% of their income to pay rent
  • 10% of Los Angeles affordable housing needs have been met

—–
[1] Does not add up to 100% because homeless children were not assigned genders.

[2] Building Healthy Communities 101. “Housing Affordability.”

*Continuum of Care (COC): does not include cities of Pasadena, Glendale, or Long Beach.

The Demise of Dating OR Teach Your Teen How to Date

We teach our kids that they were created b’tzelem Elohim, in the image of God. That they are unique, worthy, valued.

We teach our kids that their bodies are a gift from God, on loan from the Holy One. That they must take care of their bodies as their most prized possession.

We teach our kids that when two people find each other, share love, bond for life, it is kedushin, holiness. And that relationships that precede “the one” should strive for that holiness.

But I wonder, in this age of the internet, where we can spill out our guts (and our whole lives) on the blog, Facebook or MySpace, where do we learn the give and take of creating a wholesome, mutual, “real” relationship?

Then comes the New York Times announcing The Demise of Dating, saying:

The paradigm has shifted. Dating is dated. Hooking up is here to stay.
(For those over 30 years old: hooking up is a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of future emotional commitment. Think of it as a one-night stand with someone you know.)According to a report released this spring by Child Trends, a Washington research group, there are now more high school seniors saying that they never date than seniors who say that they date frequently. Apparently, it’s all about the hookup.

Kind of sad (though my memories of dating are not all positive). Kind of scary.

It turns out that everything is the opposite … Under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date.

Where do we learn to date?

It used to be that “you were trained your whole life to date,” said Ms. Bogle. “Now we’ve lost that ability — the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them.”

Funny. We worry so much about teaching our kids how to study, how to stay away from drugs, how to help friends who are suicidal. Intense stuff. And now we learn that we may need to go back to basics… to teach them how to date…

Milk: Another Jewish Boy Working for Social Justice

My wife and I saw Milk earlier this month, a poignant film about Harvey Milk, gay rights activist, politician, martyr. Each of us recalled elements of the story: Orange County-born wife remembered the havoc state Sen. John Briggs caused; I remember Anita Bryant’s joyous, musical homophobia. Both nauseated us.

Watching the movie, one could not be but energized by Milk’s skillful marrying of passion, political activism, realpolitik balanced with values… by his ability to give hope to countless who needed hope.

Yet again, we find a Jew whose life, informed by the story of our people, steps into the forefront of an important social movement. From slavery to freedom, degradation to hope. Sure, Milk was a secular Jew, but, according to his nephew, his life was informed by our Jewish story:

As the Jewish Journal reports:

… Stuart Milk explains, that concern for the underdog stemmed from his uncle’s understanding of basic Jewish principles.

“He was 15 at the end of World II, and I can definitely say that he was deeply affected by the Holocaust,” Stuart Milk says. “So, yes, the Jewish sensitivity to civil rights absolutely had an impact on Harvey. In fact, he was the one who told me about how much support Jewish organizations and Jewish individuals gave to minorities. He often said that Jews feel they cannot allow another group to suffer discrimination, if for no other reason than that they might be on that list someday.”

“Furthermore,” he says, “Harvey was the first to tell me that in addition to the Star of David, which Jews were forced to wear in Nazi Germany, there were pink triangles that gays had to wear, and that almost a million gays were put to death.”

Death and Dying: Talking to Kids about…

We recently heard about two tragedies in our Conejo Valley educational community:

  • An Oak Park elementary teacher’s husband committed suicide. He had 2 small kids. He was a local photographer who was there as many of the children became B’nai Mitzvah.
  • A Medea Creek Middle School 8th grader, Cody Badalato, died on Sunday after being in a coma for a week. Last Friday night, Cody was having difficulty breathing and after his parents called 911, suffered cardiac arrest. He was airlifted to UCLA, where he was diagnosed with leukemia lymphoma, which caused a large mass in his chest. This condition was unknown to anyone until the emergency. Up to that point he was a healthy 13 year old boy. Cody’s 14th birthday was this past Saturday.

Understandably, students, parents, teachers and the whole community might be feeling a jumble of intense emotions. (Read the complete eLearning with Rabbi Kipnes eNewsletter)

One of the most challenging tasks confronting us all is how to explain death to a child. In the midst of one’s own grief or in the attempt to comfort another, a child’s need to know and understand is often overlooked. Or, adults decide that a child simply won’t comprehend what is happening. Or the tremendous upheaval in the normal routines of the household throws the child into a kind of chaos of unexpected events and uncertainty about his or her future. Yet psychologists tell us that children today, shaped by the constant barrage of death portrayed on television and in the movies, are far more aware of death and its consequences than many adults realize.

The decision about what to tell children will depend largely on the age of the child, her or his sensitivity to the subject, and the child’s relationship to the deceased. As with the “phases” of grief, much of the actual response of a child will depend a great deal on the relationship between the parent and child, and how the parent chooses to discuss the death itself.

In conjunction with the Or Ami Center for Jewish Parenting, we offer these resources to help guide those of you touched by these tragedies. Please forward these to your friends.

Resources for Helping Your Child Cope

Talking to Your Child about Death and Dying, including

* Informing the Child
* Should I Bring a Child to the Funeral?
* Deciphering what is on a Child’s Mind
* Guidance for Talking to Childen of Different Ages
* How to Comfort the Mourner
* What to Say and Not to SayWhen a Child Dies
* Prayers for When a Pet Dies

Facing a Suicide: Talking to Kids about It, including

* Five Initial Thoughts when Dealing with a Child after a Suicide
* Six Warning Signs of Suicide
* Seven Things to Do: When You Suspect Suicidal Feelings

Caring for the Mourners, including

* Writing Condolence Cards
* Supporting the Mourners

A Prayer for a Cure for Cancer

May you find the courage and fortitude to face the realities of life:
that some live and some die
that sometimes things just don’t make sense
that we can chose:
to hold those we love closer
and to count our blessings.

Facing a Suicide: Talking to Kids About…

I heard about another suicide. This time of an Oak Park elementary teachers who has 2 small kids. He was a local photographer who was there as many of the children became B’nai Mitzvah.

Those who knew him and even those who did not, are shocked, scared and anxious. Many are reviewing their interactions with this man to see if they missed any signs about what he was thinking. Others are wondering how someone could be considering such drastic action and they did not know it.

Parents are wondering how to help their children deal with this tragedy. Still others are wondering if they are missing signs from their own children.

Five Initial Thoughts when Dealing with Children after a Suicide:

  1. Be with them, let them talk, or cry, or just be. Suicide is confusing and it may take time for your child to open up and begin to talk about it.
  2. While most suicidal individuals give off warning signs, many of these signs are missed by even those closest to them. Scrutinizing past interactions for such signs is normal, brought about by feelings of guilt, sadness or remorse. Listen to your child, don’t dismiss his/her sadness, but remind him/her that even those closest to the person who killed himself did not recognize the signs.
  3. Most adolescents have thoughts at one time or another about suicide. It is NORMAL to have such thoughts. Let your child know that he or she can talk to you about anything. Be prepared not to “freak out” if your child shares such thoughts.
  4. If necessary, and if your child needs it, consult with a therapist who works with children. I would be glad to refer you to such individuals.
  5. Please do not hesitate to call the synagogue (818-880-4880) to talk to me. When you call, please let them know it is about a suicide and that this is very important.

Finally, allow me to offer a few pieces of information to help you in the future. When the time is right, you might want to discuss this with your child.

Some Statistics and Facts Concerning YOUTH Suicide:

  • Suicide is the third-leading cause of death among young adults ages 15-24 years, following only AIDS and accidents.
  • Among college students, suicide is the second-leading cause of death.
  • Girls are 3 times more likely to ATTEMPT suicide, but boys are 5 times more likely to COMPLETE suicide. Alcohol and/or drugs are involved in 50% of adolescent suicides. Guns and overdoses are two frequently used methods. Out of every 10 suicide attempts, 9 take place in the home.
  • Recent studies indicate that nationwide more than half a million high school students attempt suicide every year.
  • Over 90% of all suicidal adolescents talk to others about their suicidal feelings. They do NOT, however, always talk to their parents, teachers, or counselors but instead talk to their FRIENDS.

Six Warning Signs
Depression and anxiety are the strongest precursors of suicide. Here are some common warning signs:

  1. Direct statements such as “I want to die” or “I don’t want to live anymore”
  2. Indirect statements such as “I want to go to sleep and never wake up” or “They’ll be sorry when I’m gone” or “Soon this pain will be over”
  3. Making final arrangements (giving away possessions, saying good-bye, etc.)
  4. Increased risk taking (reckless driving, etc.) and frequent accidents
  5. Personality changes, withdrawal, apathy, moodiness
  6. Themes of death and dying in a person’s writing and artwork

Seven Things to Do: When You Suspect Suicidal Feelings: How You Can Help

  1. Direct questions about suicidal feelings do not provoke suicidal behavior.
  2. When asking about suicidal feelings, find out if the person has decided how to commit suicide. The person who wants to commit suicide, who has figured out how to go about it, and who has the means to do it is in the greatest danger.
  3. Whether a suicidal person plans to succeed or is using the threat of suicide to get attention does not matter. That person needs the same help.
  4. Having made the decision to die, the suicidal person may seem very calm. That individual is still in great danger.
  5. If someone shares a suicidal intent with you, take it seriously and contact an appropriate counselor, clergyperson, parent or other responsible adult—even if it means breaking a confidence and losing a friend.
  6. If you suspect someone is going to commit suicide, don’t leave them alone.
  7. The paperback book When Living Hurts by Sol Gordon, available from the URJ Press, does an incredible job helping teens deal with depression and difficult feelings. Purchase a copy for your teen now.

Lastly, our thoughts and prayers go out to the man’s family, his students, co-workers and the community. May they find the strength and fortitude to weather the difficult days and months ahead.

Chanukah Resources Available

Need more Chanukah songsheets? Forget the Chanukah story but want to tell it?
Looking for a deeper adult experience of Chanukah learning?
Do the candles go in left to right or right to left?

Chanukah Resources to Light Up Your Celebration

All at

www.orami.org/chanukah

This beautiful flyer (which looks so much better in real life) was designed by Stephanie Goldsmith.

“When Money is Sucked from a Community, What’s Left is Community”

Worried about your portfolio, your mortgage, your kid’s college, or your own retirement? Where do we turn? The quote of the week, from Jewish Journal Editor Rob Eshman, hits the nail on the head.

When the money is sucked from a community, what’s left is community. Sure, there is less for now to sustain services it provides, but the bonds of acquaintance, friendship and family abide. When your real estate business skids, when Zell’s L.A. Times defers your buyout payments indefinitely, when a trusted friend loses your millions, there are still friends to go to for support, for commiseration. Stripped of its financial successes, the community Jews have built here is revealed for what it is: bonds among people, not among donors.

This is what our community, Congregation Or Ami, is all about. People supporting people, through good times and bad. Not talking about being a community. But living it. Its about Henaynu, being there for each other. Everyday. All the time.

Said differently:

We learn geology the morning after the earthquake, Emerson wrote. I suppose we’ll learn the richness of community now that much of its wealth is gone.

Henaynu: Check out how we do it

The Bible has Nothing to Say about Gay Marriage

Someone in the mainstream press finally said it out loud: Contrary to what conservative preachers would like us to believe, the Bible has nothing to say about gay marriage, and very little (positive) to say about marriage in general. Newsweek comes along with a blazing article – speaking truth to power – about the hypocracy and falsehoods being spread about what the Bible does and does not say about marriage. And why opponents of marriage equality scarcely have a leg on which to stand.

Entitled GAY MARRIAGE: Our Mutual Joy, the article notes that opponents of gay marriage often cite Scripture. But what the Bible teaches about love argues for the other side.

Let’s try for a minute to take the religious conservatives at their word and define marriage as the Bible does. Shall we look to Abraham, the great patriarch, who slept with his servant when he discovered his beloved wife Sarah was infertile? Or to Jacob, who fathered children with four different women (two sisters and their servants)? Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon and the kings of Judah and Israel—all these fathers and heroes were polygamists. The New Testament model of marriage is hardly better. Jesus himself was single and preached an indifference to earthly attachments—especially family. The apostle Paul (also single) regarded marriage as an act of last resort for those unable to contain their animal lust. “It is better to marry than to burn with passion,” says the apostle, in one of the most lukewarm endorsements of a treasured institution ever uttered. Would any contemporary heterosexual married couple—who likely woke up on their wedding day harboring some optimistic and newfangled ideas about gender equality and romantic love—turn to the Bible as a how-to script?

We read on:

In the Old Testament, the concept of family is fundamental, but examples of what social conservatives would call “the traditional family” are scarcely to be found. Marriage was critical to the passing along of tradition and history, as well as to maintaining the Jews’ precious and fragile monotheism. But as the Barnard University Bible scholar Alan Segal puts it, the arrangement was between “one man and as many women as he could pay for.” Social conservatives point to Adam and Eve as evidence for their one man, one woman argument—in particular, this verse from Genesis: “Therefore shall a man leave his mother and father, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.” But as Segal says, if you believe that the Bible was written by men and not handed down in its leather bindings by God, then that verse was written by people for whom polygamy was the way of the world. (The fact that homosexual couples cannot procreate has also been raised as a biblical objection, for didn’t God say, “Be fruitful and multiply”? But the Bible authors could never have imagined the brave new world of international adoption and assisted reproductive technology—and besides, heterosexuals who are infertile or past the age of reproducing get married all the time.)

One correction: the author claims that most Jewish denominations do so publically support gay/lesbian marriage. Not true. The Reform Movement has done so here and here. The Reconstructionist Movement has done so. Some within the Conservative movement have begun to do so.

More on my take on marriage equality and LGBT issues in general here and from our Congregation Or Ami here.

Torah Alive!

My friend, Rabbi Arnie Sleutelberg of Shir Tikvah in Troy, Michigan, reports that his congregation is about to celebrate the completion of a Torah they commissioned to have written. How amazing is that? According to the Detroit Free Press:

The project, called Torah Alive!, was started last year and includes the contributions of 500 people from the 750-member congregation; with the help of another artist, the individual members helped write part of the new scroll with their own hands, guided by his expert hands.”It’s an absolute joy to be part of this,” said Michael Silverstein, a Shir Tikvah member and co-chair of Torah Alive!

All involved say that scribing a Torah was both beautiful and meaningful:

“Her calligraphy happens to be outstanding,” said Sleutelberg, often called Rabbi Arnie. “We are receiving a phenomenal Torah scroll filled with grace, beauty and content.”

The Dec. 13 ceremony will feature many of the traditions seen at Jewish weddings. The scroll will be brought in under a canopy known as a chuppah, and there will be wedding music, the signing of a wedding document, the breaking of 35 glasses — even a wedding cake.

“We’re a very creative congregation,” said Rabbi Arnie. “The overriding intent is to create a holy convocation, both solemn and festive.”

How cool is that!?!

Cohen-Cutler Considers Hyphenation Clash

There I am, surfing the web, early in the morning with my youngest, when I stumble upon a posting on RJ.org by Or Ami’s Donnie Cohen-Cutler (and his intended Abby), chatting about how to choose a new family last name when one of the parties is hyphenated already. Donnie, as many know, is an Or Ami graduate, who went onto greatness as a macher in the Union for Reform Judaism, before getting hired out by some important company. (That’s Donnie on the right, circa 2000, still youthified.) This is a great post, reflective of a challenge for children of hyphenation. It also serves as a tribute to, among other things, his tradition busting parents who, ahead of their time, hyphenated.

by dcc (and az)
First some background: Once upon a time, in a magical land known as Newton, Massachusetts a boy named Andy Cutler fell in love with a “feminist in law school” named Olivia Cohen. After years of courtship and these two high school sweethearts tied the knot at Temple Ohabei Shalom in June of 1977. Like in all fairy tales, the two lived happily ever after in a wonder-world of pluralism and progress as Andy and Olivia Cohen-Cutler. These two tradition bashing creating newlyweds went on to bring Donnie and his very smart and funny sister Sally into the world with this new family title. Thus the Cohen-Cutler family was created. Jump to present day. Read on.